Lifeline

 

Where to start? So much has happened in the last few weeks, it's not even funny. 

1. My mom told me that my grandmother's cancer is spreading and now it is in her lungs. She's going to get all the right care and everything, still. 

2. My mom told me that the two of us were going to visit my grandmother for two weeks the week after school gets out for the summer. 

3. My mom put the pressure on me to be strong for when we do see grandma. 

4. I have to make sure to keep both myself and my mom in line when we go to grandma's. 

5. Something is wrong with my roommate and I think that she is upset with me for some reason or something. I don't really know. I just know that she is having a hard time and won't talk to me. 

6. I feel like I can't talk to my boyfriend about how I am feeling about all of this and the pressure that I am under. He has even to worry about, but it's not fair to him when I act bitchy towards him and cause unnecessary fights with him.  

7. I have been causing unnecessary fights with my boyfriend. 

8. I got to see my "brother" (who I was in love with for a long time) yesterday for the first time in almost a year. 

9. I was fighting with my Dad a while ago, but we settled that. 

10. I'm in counseling, but I haven't been in for a couple weeks cause we kept having to reschedule. 

11.  I have to prepare myself to see my grandma. 

12. I have to get A's and B's this term, no C's or lower. 

13. I don't know how I feel about my "brother", anymore. SO many conflicting emotions/feelings.

14. I want to be able to see my "brother" more often. 

I can't think of anything else, but I'm sure there is more... 

Oh. 

15. I feel like I don't have any friends sometimes. Mostly because my roommate (who was my best friend) is barely talking to me. My best friend is too busy with her life and school. My other best friend barely hangs out with me and now he has a girlfriend who I am friends with, but she is more my roommate's friend than mine most of the time. My boyfriend doesn't seem to want to be around me much and I don't really blame him. My "new" best friend is currently home for the weekend, but when she gets back I will at least have her. Idk who else. 

I went on a walk Thursday night at like midnight-ish til about 2am. It was nice, but at the same time, it was not the same. I went to my boyfriend's and my spot and just walked around there, listening to music and mouthing the words. It helped a bit, but at the same time, it sucked because he was not with me. He was playing games with his friends. I took another walk last night around 7:30-8-ish for a while until my boyfriend finally called me to go to the movies with some friends. I had not seen him at all that day and I was happy to finally be able to see him and be with him, but of course, he was busy with his friend when we went to get some pizza before the movie. They played video games and pool together while I was with our two other friends. I did not mind so much because I sat with him during the movie. I had wanted to hold his hand and I figured he would want to hold mine at some point, but he never moved his hand like he usually does, so I finally did, but he was not paying attention. I got a little irritated with him during the movie and kind of snapped at him, but it was nothing major. He did not dwell on it and neither did I. 

I was happy to see my "brother" yesterday, though. I had fun and I can not wait to see him again. It was so hard to leave him, though. He admitted that he was going to miss me and I said I'd miss him too. He promised we would hang out again, sometime. I really hope it's soon. After giving him a hug, I found it so hard to let him go and to watch him walk away. He sent me a text saying "miss you already" and I replied with "same". It was so weird. I'm not sure how to describe how I was feeling at that point in time. I just hoped to see him again, soon.

I don't even know what else to write at the moment. I wish I had to guts to talk to my boyfriend, but I can't bring myself too. I want him to know that nothing I do is his fault. There's just a lot going on with me and I don't know how to sort through it all. I don't see my counselor until Thursday, which really sucks. But I'm sure I can handle it until then. Right?  

Dark of the Moon

Things took a major turn today... Yes, I know that I have not updated this blog in like a year and for that, I apologize. A few things happened and I did think about updating it a few times, but I never did. I should be able to write a bit more since I just got a laptop. So, now I don't have to use my roommate's. 

Quick summary: 
 I started college. First term was great! I managed to snag a boyfriend a couple weeks in. It's five months today. I had to move out of my old dorm because my old roommate and I just could not do it anymore... I found my "twin" here at school and I moved in with her. We're roomies now. It's amazing fun! My boyfriend and I have had our share of problems and still have a few minor ones, but we'll work things out eventually

End. 

Now, on to the real reason why I wanted to start this blog now. I have so much going on in my head now... So, I was talking to that guy from before. The one that I met at camp and was like totally in love with.  Well, recently, we started to talk again. It was fine until he wanted to get into the deeper stuff. We tried to talk last night, but it didn't happen. Not really. We talked earlier tonight, though. 


Things took an unexpected turn... I'm not even sure how to explain it, really. I don't know. It's just crazy. I can't stop thinking about what he told me and how I felt. It gets complicated because of my boyfriend. I can't hurt either of them and I don't want to be hurt by him. I've got enough on my plate as it is, but I promised to handle it if anything happened. We're going to be a team on this and talk things out if something happens, which I don't want, but I do at the same time. I wanna know what it'd be like, but I don't want anyone to get hurt. It probably wouldn't be a good idea, but oh well. I think seeing each other would be a good thing for us. It will prepare us and it's the a great test for us. We need to be tested. I need to be tested. It's a pass or fail test. And I'm sure both of us will know if we passed or failed.


Anyway, it's late. I'll write more later, maybe. I have a lot to do before Tuesday. Bleh!

I'm no beauty queen

Yeah, I'm not beauty queen. But you know what? I don't wanna be a beauty queen. I want to be me! I'm happy with myself. Isn't that all that counts? 

anyway... I was listening to a song earlier and I realized that for as long as I've been alive and able to date, I have not had one date or boyfriend. No guy was throwing themselves at my feet, begging for a date. No guy was chasing me. No guy wanted to be with me. I've always wanted to be with them. That's not cool. 


It seems that everyone else around me has had guys interested in them or chasing them or are in a relationship. 


Now, I used to ask the question "Is there something wrong with me?" but now, I ask the question "What's wrong with the guys?" 

Sighs. I don't know what to do, anymore. I mean, I want a guy to be interested in me. I want a guy to  tell me that I'm beautiful. Someone to hold my hand when we walk down the street. Someone to hug me or just wrap their arm around me when we sit or walk. Someone to kiss me, just because they want too. You know what I mean? 

I want someone to be enchanted to meet me... 

I want someone to want to be my boyfriend... 


I could go on with more videos, but those two are the main ones that have caught my attention, recently. 

Oh, and... 

Just gotta figure out who the guy is/will be =/

Stupid, Stupid

Why do I push the world away, but embrace a fake world? Why do I prefer my fantasies to the real world? I have amazing friends who need me, but I distance myself from them all. Every last one of them... Even him. 

I haven't talked to him in (possibly) a week, but I talked to him tonight. I felt weird. Like it was not the same... Even when he said that he missed me, I was a little happy, but I felt bad. I FEEL bad. He is the last person I want to distance myself from, but look at what I'm doing. I purposely not talk to him... Especially when he needed me the most. I was not there. What kind of person am I? I mean, am I just too scared? 

Everyone says to follow your heart... But what are you supposed to do when your heart does not know what it wants? When it closes itself off from everyone? When it yearns for someone so bad, but won't let anyone get close enough to help with that yearning? 

I have no one to talk too... Sure, I'd want nothing more to talk to him, but I can't. He has enough problems to deal with. I can't add my own to his plate. It's not fair. It's especially not fair when most of my problems revolve around him. 

God! I want him to love me so bad, but then I don't. He won't ever love me. I know that, but I still want it... Is it really him that I want to love me, though? Or am I looking for someone else? 

The other night I went to my Mom's friend's church to hear someone speak. They were telling us to let God in, but I rebelled so much. I refused. I fought against everything she was saying. (Of course, not physically. Mentally) I just can not turn myself over to "God" or "Jesus" fully. I can't do it. I refuse... If anyone tried, I would fight. I would fight so damn hard! It's just not possible for me to fully open myself up to someone or something. 

I remember this one time I was talking to him. He was talking about the girl that he likes and suddenly, I just could not take it. Which was odd. I usually don't mind when he talks about her. Or any other girl. But that one time. I don't know. I just could not take it. I had to take a moment to calm myself. I could not figure out what that was about, either. It was strange and I hated it! I don't want that to happen again. 

I just wish that I did not have so many confusing emotions and feelings running through me. I don't know which way to go or what to follow. Everything is confused and it's shutting down. I don't have many emotions, now. Sometimes, I laugh so hard that I want to cry. Not laughing until tears. No. Literally cry like when I'm sad. what is going on with me? I feel so utterly lost and completely alone... 

Why do I torture myself so?  

When will my books/stories not be enough, anymore?

 

I've stopped searching for a guy a while ago, but it still comes up. I can't help it. 

I've been waiting for a long time for a guy to walk into my life, and plenty have but not the ones I nee. Sure, I have plenty of guy friends, but it's not enough. I want a guy. I want a good guy. I'm starting to think that I'm cursed. All the guys that I've liked have just used me in some way and disappeared from my life. Except two of them. They're both in my life, but not as frequent as they used to be. 

Why can't I find a good guy? One that actually cares about me? Why must all of them play games? Am I that stupid or worthless or gullible? Am I that easy to fool? Have I done something in a past life? Is this payback? Am I just one of those girls that is going to get screwed her whole life? 

I'm so tired of playing games! I can't take much more. Please, stop. IT's torture to me. I don't want to do this anymore. I'm tired of the games. I don't want to play anymore. 

I'm starting to think that I will never find a good guy. I'm drawn to the jerks that play games. I'm starting to think that I'm going to be a pawn all my life. I'll never be happy. I'm drawn to guys that are unreachable to me. 

What's wrong with me? Will I ever feel truly happy? Have I ever felt truly happy? 

I can't remember ever being truly happy. I don't even think that I feel like I belong. I don't believe that I've ever felt like I've belonged. I feel like an ousider to almost everyone. 

God, I feel so lost. So lonely... 

Will I ever be found? 

will I ever fill this hole within myself? 

Will I ever feel like I belong? Like I can do something right? 

Am I ever going to be happy?