8/27/10

What's the worst thing you can hear from someone? (Well, one of them at least)


"We need to talk." That's one of the many worst things you could hear from someone... And I got a message that said that. I was like "oh shit. what have i done? is he upset with me? wait, what did i do that could possibly upset him? i just know it's bad, but i just don't know what it is! gah! what the hell have i done, now?!" Yeah. That was yesterday, I believe. Been waiting for him to get on so that I can finally know what this is about. He said that we needed to talk, as friends. That can't be good, can it? I don't know what I've done that could upset him or anything... Did I say something that I had no idea would upset him? Or does he just want to straighten something out? If that's the case, what needs to be straightened out? Am I blowing this way out of proportion? Seriously. It's been eating at me ever since I saw the email... I'm sure he's busy or something, but still! Don't keep me waiting for too long, please. I can't take it! I may go insane or something.

(Yes, this is a short post. Sorry >_< ) 

8/25/10

The Rain In Spain Stays Mainly In The Plane


Life is not exactly good, but it's not exactly bad. Yesterday was rather bad. I was in a really bad mood. I was getting irritated by my mom for no reason and it sorta bugged me. She really was not doing anything to make me irritated. Just trying to help.
 
Now. Monday was not so bad. I had a softball game. Well, two. That was fun... 

I came to a decision. I will never get married. I do not want to get married. Marriage is definitely not for me. And I think that serious commitments are not for me, either. I can't do it. I can't see myself doing it. Not after all of this. I'd be too scared that the guy would be cheating on me or would leave me or things would become boring or something equally bad. I just can't do it. All I want is to have fun. That's all. I'm only looking for fun. And if anyone comes to me that is not looking for a non-serious thing, then I'm going to push them away. 
That's how I'm rewriting myself. I'm going to be open, but then closed at the same time. If that makes sense. It makes perfect sense to me. 

8/23/10

You And Me Could Write A Bad Romance



I had fun at my cousins' this weekend. It was great. The concert was AMAZING! I had so much fun. Lady Gaga is great. She's just awesome. Really. She is. I mean, wow! She's really great to her fans. She calls them her Little Monsters. I'm a Littler Monster, now. She's just that great... I have a shirt that my cousin bought me from the concert. It's so awesome!! 

When we were at the tables with the shirts and everything, people were pushing against each other. Everyone was pressed against each other. It was weird, but for once, I was not shy. I did not mind having people pressed against me. It was weird. I was just having such a great time. I was even moving and dancing and singing and everything during her performance. It was that into it... This rebuidling of my system is great. I was not shy or anything. 

At my cousins house, I was comfortable. Barely awkward, only because I had no idea what I was supposed to do. I did not even feel bad when my cousin bought me things and stuff. It did not bother me like it does when my parents buy my stuff or give me money. And I did not feel bad when my parents gave me money to take up there or buy me snacks for the train. I was happy. I was (slightly) carefree. 

I'm glad I'm starting to rebuild my system. I really need it. There's a lot that I have to work on and everything. 

My cousin is great. She's really awesome for a forty-year-old woman of two boys. She's easy to talk to and she gets things. You know? She really gets it. She understands. 

 But enough about that. I have to reveal some things that I learned on this trip. 


He asked me a question the other day and I could not answer it. He asked what my Principles were. I did not know how to answer for some reason. I could not think of them. 
Well. Now, I have an answer for him. 
Here're my principles: 
1. Everyone is equal and I am no better or worse than anyone
2.  Lying is wrong, but there are some cases where some small lies could be okay 
3. You have to respect your elders
4. Loyalty is important
5. Be nice to people even if they are not nice to you (but there are cases when you can't be nice)
6. Never cheat on someone
 7. Don't leave someone for someone else

There's more to come, but those are the only ones I can think of at the moment. 

...I came home to an email saying that He thinks it will not work between us. Something that I've been telling him from the beginning. He needs a break from dating (I said it first!!)... Honestly. I was happy he said that. I don't want a relationship right now. Mostly because I only have him as an option. what if I meet someone during school or next summer? What then? I can't break up with him because that is just wrong. You can NOT leave someone just to be with someone else. That is NOT how it works. You leave someone when you know that things are over between the two of you.
Besides. I don't want anything more than friednship from him. I don't want to lose him. What if something happens between us if we started dating? We might not want to talk to each other. I don't want that. I want him to stay in my life for as long as possible. I need him in my life. I do not care if we don't date. That's fine with me. I don't mind. He's a friend and that's how I want it to stay... I hope he understands. 
I have things that I need to work on before I can even start dating. I have to rework my system and get that straightened. I can't be in a relationship when I'm trying to do that. I won't fully be there. Just partly there. You know? 

Anyway... I did miss Him while I was gone. I missed talking to him and my other friends. I was looking forward to talking ot him when i came back. Hopefully, I can, sometimes soon. But if he's busy, then that's fne. I'll just chill and wait until he wants to talk. I'm patient. 

8/18/10

Second Best Never Wins



I've been thinking (no surprise) and I've decided something... I'm second best. I have always been second best and will always be second best. I mean, look at when I was younger. I was second best to Miss Perfect. Now, I'm second best to... Well. I'd rather not say because a certain someone might read this and then possibly either get upset or something and I don't want to deal with that because it's how I feel and I don't care if it's not true. It is TRUE! I am second best to Her. Everyone knows it. It's easy to see it... I mean. Seriously. He would rather be with Her, but if he can't then he'll come to me. How effed up is that? He don't care about me. He doesn't have feelings for me! He never will. That's what he said back at camp. Or am I remembering that wrong? I don't think that I am... So, yeah. I'm second best... Anyone know why? Because I'm stupid enough to do the things that the First Best people won't do... Like. Waiting for a GUY. An effing GUY! Girls should NOT wait on guys. Guys should be waiting on GIRLS! ....And yet. Here I am. waiting.. And it feels like a dagger through the heart because I know that I'm not going to win. I'm going to lose. Just like all the other times. I've lost before the race even started. Wonderful, isn't it? 

Here are some words to think about: 


I'm done chasing you all over
May as well be chasing after thunder
....
For a change now you can start chasing me
....
Don't you understand
Don't wanna be your backup plan
Now I won't be here to clean up when it hits the fan
....
It's time you started chasing me

I'm done acting like I won't be
Sitting here still wishing you wanted me
Don't say that I never told you
Take some advice from somebody who knows
This is another song by Skillet. It's called Should've When You Could've 
 I was just listening to it and it all hit me at once! It was like WAMBAMBOOM! 
It was interesting. Haha. But yeah. Think about these lyrics. 
I'm doing so much better at tearing down these shields. It's great. I'm actually doing things without being told and being a bit more open and honest and I feel good... I still ave a lot of work to do, though. 

My Mom took me to Wl-Mart a bit ago before she went to work. I got two new shirts, a pair of boots, earrings, bracelets, lip gloss, and eye shadow. All for the concert this weekend. I can't wait. I have to play around with the eye shadow, though. 

Yeah, I can be a girlie girl, sometimes... But I like wearing make-up and clothes that fit me. It's nice. I feel pretty. And I look so much better than without.

8/17/10

Why is it so hard to find someone who cares about you?






I've been somewhat good, today. Kinda proud of myself, actually... I've only got onto YIM five (give or take a couple) times per my usual checking every five minutes. Of course, I was looking for Him... But I've thought about it and I'm going to do what I said I was going to do. I'm going to wait. If he wants to talk to me, then he knows how to reach me. I'm not going to check my email more than once or twice a day from now on. 

Onto better news... I got a reply from Fruit, today. I was happy to hear that he was glad to hear from me. Sadly, things could be a little better for him, but hey! When can't life be better? Ha. 

I've been listening to The One by Skillet and Will You Be There by Skillet all day, today... Along with a couple other songs, but those were the main ones. I love them. They're great <3 

Other than those bits of news, nothing's happened. I'm waiting for something to happen. I can't wait what to see what it will be.

...I have to have my room cleaned by Thursday so that I can go to the concert this weekend... I haven't done much, but it's mostly cleaned. Just needs some finishing touches and such. I'll have to get up early in the morning to finish it and then do the bathroom and laundry... Oi. Anyone feel bad for me?? Haha. Just joking.

What Will You Do For A Klondike Bar?


Okay... So. Now, I'm completely obsessed with the song You're The One by Skillet. I just love the dude's voice and the music and everything! Here. I'll post it. 

The One by Skillet

Check it out. I absolutely love this song, now. I don't know why, but I've been listening to it nonstop for a while, now... And it has nothing to do with Him or anything. I just love this song.

Speaking of Him... He didn't get on, tonight... But I talked to my friend who is giving Fruit his lessons... Nothing came of it >.>" Didn't get no info or anything... But that's alright... Hopefully, I'll talk to him, someday. who knows, maybe we might see each other at a school event or something. IF he goes to the same school, again... I hope he does... Anyway... Um... I think that's all I really wanted to say... I can't think of anything else... Maybe tomorrow or something..? 

But hope that He isn't avoiding me or anything! I would seriously be upset if He was... But whatever... I won't complain. I'll wait as patiently as I can until he talks to me, again... Whenever that is...

8/16/10

You've Got A Friend In Me


I'm making progress, already! Hell yeah! I'm so proud of myself <3 
I was with my friend and my teammates at softball practice. Oh my god! It was great! I was more open and a bit louder and everything! I cheered and I did great! It was amazing. 
Then, on the ride home, her brother was with us. So, there were three of us... You know what?? I was perfectly comfortable! I jumped into conversations and made myself known! Without even thinking about it, too. I just did it! 
Gosh. It felt so good. 

We lost the game, but I don't really care! I had a blast. Even moreso that I usually do :3 
I hit the ball and made it to first! W00t! 
Then, as the other batters came up, I eventually made it home! It was so amazing! 
But then, the second time I was up to bat, I misjudged the pitches :'( But that's alright! It was fun, anyway! 
Damn. I'm just so happy! I'm going back to my old self... I think and I'm happy. I'm excited. I don't think it will be a bad thing.



 And now... I'm waiting >_< I have my YIM window up and I keep glancing up to see if I have a new message... You know who from. I'm waiting for Him to get on so that we can talk... Unfortunately, I have an internet curfew now *mutters colorful curses* So, I can't stay up all night talking to him, anymore... Sad day. 
I just want to talk to him... I feel lonely if I don't get to talk to him... 

So... He wasn't on last night, either. I'm thinking that either he's got in trouble (again) and can't use the computer or he's avoiding me or he's busy with his thoughts and his girl... I can't decide which one I like better.. None of them are very appealing, really... Except possibly the thinking about his feelings and all of that. That is a bit appealing. That means that he's trying to decide who he wants. (I already know that answer; it's HER)... My god. I feel like the other woman waiting to see if the man is going to dump his wife for me... Oh dear god. What am I doing??? No! I don't want that! I want a guy to leave his girl when he's not happy and things can't be fixed not because of another girl!

Oh god...

Never Go Against A Cicilian When Death Is On The Line!!


You know what... FUCK THIS SHIT! 
Yes, I actually cursed. I used the actual curse words. Beautiful, wasn't it? 

I'm taking a chance and I'm going to risk it all. I have no clue why, but who cares! I NEED TO TAKE RISKS! I need to live. It's the only way I'm going to learn, right? Right! 
So, I'm going to tear down the walls and let this damn hope out! I'm going to wait for Him. I'm going to wait for him to tell me that he fixed things with Her. That the small hope he gave me... Well, that he was yanking it away, yet again! And guess what? I don't care! I don't. I'm going to see how bad hoping really is. How much trouble I get into.... I'm kind of excited, now, to see what happens. 


Also, if this doesn't work out (like we all know it's not going to), I'm going to rewire my system... Probably start, now, instead of waiting, but I'm not sure yet... Anyway. I'm going to rewire my whole system. I'm going to completely change things and hopefully get myself back into order... Wish me luck! 
I know it's going to be hell, but I could care less! This is what I need. Something I've need for the longest time, now. 


I'm not doing this for Him, but for me. Just know that. This is for me. All for me. I need it more than anyone can realize... I'm not ready to discover myself, yet, but I'll be damned if that keeps me from trying! 


I'm not going to be scared, anymore. I don't want to be afraid. Not anymore. The fear is just holding me back and I can't have that. I have college next fall and I need to have some idea of what I want. I will have to start applying myself, again... I need to get my motivation back for my last year of high school! 




So, yeah... I'll type more, but I have to get ready for my softball game... I'll make another post when I get back tonight ^-^ 



Just an Update


So... This is an update about the blog... I've edited some posts and put some pics in them ^-^ 
I'm going to try and pretty it up a bit, from now on. 

I'll add a picture to each post, sometimes I might add more than one. Just depends. haha. 

Hope it looks better than it did before! I sure like it. :3

8/15/10

Friend Of Mine


Alright. So. I was looking on facebook and I went to look at some pictures on Fruit's mom's page... And.... Oh. My. God! I saw some pictures of Fruit. He looks great. Totally grown up. I almost didn't recognize him. It's been months since I've seen him in person. He looks really great! And I can see why his voice is deep now... It just made me miss talking to him. Its been forever. He's so busy... I've been thinking of asking my friend who gives him riding lessons, to give some to me on chance that I might run into him. Or see if I could pop by on a visit on a day when he's there. Or ask my friend to do some elementary school investigating. (That's code for having my friend mention me to him and report back, you know, like we all did in elementary school when we liked someone)

And if you haven't picked up on it by now. I'm trying to get my mind off of Him and onto Fruit, once more. Maybe there's a way to reconnect with Fruit. I have to give it another try. Even if it's only as friends. I don't really care. Anything is fine as long as I can talk and possibly hang out with him!

Don't Say Goodbye 'Cause I Don't Want To Hear Those Words Tonight


If you don't know the band Skillet, then you wouldn't know where I had gotten the title for this post. It's from the song Say Goodbye by Skillet. I woke up with that song stuck in my head and I hadn't even listened to it for a very long time... I guess, it has something to do with what happened between me and Him. Or maybe it was just a fluke. who knows for sure, right?


I have figured out some things. It took the help of Him to realize them, though. Of course. He affects me far too much.

Here's what I wrote down while I was talking to Him. (Yes, it doesn't make much sense, but it does to me)

I don't want love. I'm afraid of it. I am deathly afraid of it. I always thought that love would be wonderful and magical. Those are just silly dreams. Dreams that are impossible. Make believe. 
I've been hurt so many times by love. Could be the love of family, friends, or a crush. Just any kind of love. Whoever it involved, I don't care. It's only caused me pain. Even with my parents. Everything is pain. Never once had love done something right for me. It's all be bad. Though, it has given me a few good things... But it's taken them away. 
I have abandonment issues. I have low self-esteem. Low confidence. Death wishes.
I have shields that keep me from remembering. Shields that keep me from feeling like part of a group. Shileds toat keep people at a distance. Shields that won't let me get too close. Shields that keep things hidden from everyone. Including myself. Shields that keep hope from reaching me. 
I just don't have shields to keep me from falling for a guy. Those. I need the most. 
I'm just basically one screwed up chick. I've lost the knowledge of who I am exactly. And I don't know how to find it again. It's hidden well. Very well. 
And honestly, I'm a little afraid of what would happen if I found it. I don't think I'm ready, either. 
He asked if I would be willing to wait for him. That there is a small hope for him to choose me. I kept telling him that I'm not going to wait. But that's a lie. There is a part of me that will be waiting for him. It's been waiting. I'm sure it will always wait until either he comes to me or until someone else takes his spot. Until then. It's just sitting here... Waiting... Waiting just for him.
Kinda sounds pathetic, but I don't care. 
It's a small part and I'm going to keep it small. I will not let it grow and possibly consume me. No. Never. It will always be small and it will only get smaller because I'm going to build walls all around it to keep it controlled. And then, I'm going to forget about it and move on. 

Right now. He is so much more to me than I realize. I don't want him to mean that much to me. I want to get over the feelings that make Him more than just a friend... I really need too, but I'm not entirely sure that I can. There's just something that keeps holding onto Him. Something that I've tried to get rid of, but it won't die. And it annoys the hell out of me!
Why can't I just let Him go? Is it because I think that He may be the one that can save me? is it because I think that He is my hero?
...I can't tell you. Mostly because I have no clue, myself. He's just Him and there's something about Him. I can't figure it out.
You wanna know the weird part? I don't think about him, but he's always on my mind. My heart doesn't skip a beat when I see that he is online, but I am excited to talk to him. No butterflies dance in my stomach, but I am suddenly in a really great mood and I become a little crazy-happy.
Does this mean something? Am I confusing my feelings and giving them the wrong labels? Or do I know my exact feelings and that's just how my natural reaction?
I, personally, think it's my natural reaction because I keep my emotions under a tight leash. They don't show, a lot. And if they did, it's a slight change. They're not that great, just rather small. Does this make sense? I can't seem to describe it even though it's all in my head. I know exactly what I'm talking about, but this is the best I can do to describe it.

I'm sure I'm missing a whole lot, but I just can't seem to get it out... I have a lot on my mind and yet, I don't. My mind is rather quiet, but I know that the thoughts a buzzing at the back of it. I'm thinking over what He said and what I've said.
I know that I should get over Him and I'm going to try, but I think it will be a while... And I can't be sure that I can or not. seeing as that small part of me is waiting.

There's this part of me, smaller than the waiting part, that is screaming out for him. That part has latched onto Him and will not let go. I've tried to keep it small, but it's trying so hard to grow. I'm not going to let it. I can't. He has his girl while I have my books and music.

That's fair... Isn't it?




Edit: Crap. I'm listening to another song by skillet called Yours To Hold. And I can feel it calling me... 
The lyrics that call to me the most are: 
I see you standing here
But you're so far away
Starving for your attention
....
Every single day
I find it hard to say
I could be yours alone
You will see someday
That all along the way
I was yours to hold
I was yours to hold
....
I'm stretching but you're just out of reach
You should know
I'm ready when you're ready for me
And I'm waiting for the right time
For the day I catch your eye
To let you know
That I'm yours to hold
Side note- The song is in order, but I left some of it out. Not all of it was relevant... 
And just because I feel the need, I'm gong to post the lyrics for Say Goodbye. 

Don't say goodbye
Cause I don't wanna hear those words tonight
Cause maybe it's not the end for you and I
And although we knew
This time would come for me and you
Don't say anything tonight
If you're gonna say goodbye
....
I wish we could be laughing
Instead I'm standing here asking
Do we have to end this now
Can we make it last somehow
We both know what we've gotta say, not today
Cause I don't wanna leave this way

[Bridge:]
And if it's over
It hurts but I'm giving you my word
I hope that you're always
Happy like we were
Happy like we were 
Yesterday we were laughing (if you're gonna say goodbye)
Today I'm left here asking (if you're gonna say goodbye)
And although we knew this time would come for me and you
Don't say anything tonight
If you're gonna say goodbye 


Another side note- This song may not make sense to anyone other than me. I hear and see a different meaning that relates to Him and I... It's hard to explain, but to me, I seems related.
Then again, I think differently than most people... And if someone is telling me something, but I don't understand exactly what they're saying because of how they're saying it, I twist it all around until it makes sense to me and I can usually get the same thing they're saying, but it might come out differently. 



And now, I love the song Will You Be There by Skillet.... I don't think it has any relation to my situation right now.

That's CIA Crap!


Nah. No. I am not going to be waiting around. Not while he's in love with someone else. I am going to hope that he finds out what he wants and can be with the one that will make him happy. Yes, he's hurt me before, but I carry no ill-will towards him. I want him to be happy. He's still my friend, after all... And he's not a jerk. He's just unsure. A little lost and confused. He's nothing like those other guys. He is different.


I am a fool. A hopeless fool... I say this because I fell for a guy who is in love with someone else. I never meant to, but it happened.



But I'm not going to be waiting around just for him. No. I'm through with waiting. I know that nothing will ever happen. And I don't mind. Maybe it's for the best. Maybe nothing should happen between us.

And I am going to say this... I am completely and hopelessly lost. I don't know which way to go, anymore. And I don't really think that I ever knew. I'm not going to find my way, again, for a while. I know that much. I'm far too lost and I don't have any way to find myself. I don't know how.
Who knows. Maybe I will suddenly wake up and everything will be clear. I will know who I truly am.

8/14/10

Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.

I spent, literally, hours talking to King last night/this morning. We started talking at like 11pm or midnight and didn't stop until about 6:30am... It was great. Like. Really great.

We talked about a lot of different things. Mostly about his problems. I was trying to help him sort things out... I'm not sure if I helped or not, but I hope I did. I don't want to think that what I was saying did nothing. I was really trying to help him.
I don't know if we could be in a relationship or not. I'm really unsure about that. Mostly because of everything that has happened from the time that we've met until now. I mean, seriously.
I really liked him, right? He had his girl (I'll name her Queen). He was so in love with Queen. And still is! It's all about her. Always has been, always will be... Yes, I admit that at first I was super jealous. Especially when he started to talk to Saturn (the girl at camp that he claimed to be in love with) more than me. So, what I did, was I became closer to Saturn. We became friends. so, it was easy to get close to him by hanging out with Saturn. Most times. Though, it hurt when he focused solely on Saturn and not me when the three of us were hanging out. I felt like a third wheel.
But that was alright. I had hogged him for the first couple of days before he met Saturn. He sat with me, sometimes. Talked with me during breaks. It was nice. He actually acknowledged me when we passed by. He joked with me, even around Saturn.
What I absolutely hated was when my face grew hot almost every time he was around and when he could figure out what I was thinking or anything about me. And yet, I love it at the same time. I can't hide much from him when we're together and I like that. I'm used to hiding things, but not with him. He sees right through me... Most times. Other times, he can't. Those are always the most fun because he can't figure it out and he freaks out. It's funny.
I simply enjoy my time with him. Any time that we talk. Even if it's on IM. I don't care. He still talks to me. That's all it's about. Him talking to me.

Dang. Now, after talking about all of that, I want to see him again. I want to physically see him and be in his presence. To hang out with him, again. Like we did at camp.


Somehow... That reminds me of the most wonderful bus ride I've had, yet... The one where we came back from camp. I wonder if I've posted about it because I can't remember.

Hm. Oh well. I'll just post about it.


That bus ride started out a little rough. He was talking to Saturn. The whole way to her town. (She was all he could ever talk about. Her and Queen). It was like an hour or two. He was sitting in the seat across from me and she was behind me. He was having a hard time talking to her because of how the seats were arranged. So, finally, he told me to move my legs off the seat. (I had offered to let him sit with me in the first place because I knew that he wanted to talk to Saturn and that it would be easier if he sat beside me, he declined). So, not really thinking much of it, I moved my legs and he slid into the seat beside me. I merely turned to stare out the window, trying to ignore their conversation and possibly get some sleep, but I have a hard time sleeping on buses with people around.
So, it finally came for her to get off. I had expected King to move back to his original seat, but he stayed. He asked me a question and we got into a discussion about Saturn and Queen and King's feelings. I told him what I thought.
Then, it sort of turned into playing around with each other. We joked and laughed. He said he wanted to make me laugh and I couldn't figure out why, but I enjoyed what I had gotten from him. He took a small nap. I was tempted to, but I knew the only way for me to possibly dream of getting some sleep would be to use his shoulder as a pillow. I knew he would not like that, so, I dared not ask. I just stared out the window, occasionally glancing at him.
At the next stop. He got off and went into the store to get something to eat. I stayed on the bus and grabbed his hoodie to cover my arms as I used my sweatshirt as a pillow on the seat. I took up both of my seats. When he came back, he sat in the seat behind his original one. I stared out the window as he ate. We talked a little bit. Then, I moved back to the window seat and next thing I know, he's sitting next to me again. I couldn't help but smile and be happy when he was so close. I was cold and had put his hoodie on, but he didn't seem to mind.
For the rest of the way, we just talked. We got into another discussion about feelings. He said that he was a huge tree and that Saturn was still just a tiny one. He even said that I was a big tree, too, but I don't really show it. I dont' know how to use this other part of me, but I am able to call upon it when I need too.
We just sat together and talked all the way back home. He said that he realized something, but he wouldn't tell me what it was. That if he didn't talk to me until next year at camp, that I could confront him, then. I gave him his hoodie back before we stopped.
My Mom and grandmother were there, but his parents hadn't shown up yet. I did not want to leave him to wait all by himself. so, I asked my mom if we could wait with him. So, I waited with him. Introduced him to my mom and grandmother. We talked a little bit more.
 Then, when his mom arrived, he walked off without a word and left. Something he does that I hate with a passion, but don't say anything. It's just how he is, I suppose. I don't mind as much.

At least, when we're IMing, he actually tells me if he's getting off or something. That makes up for it.


8/13/10

I Will Brain Control You!

So... I'm rather unsure about everything at the moment... It seems life is throwing me some hoops to jump through.

Before I get into all of that... Fruit's mom added me as a friend of facebook. I have not met her or even spoke to her. So, that was a bit of a shock... Also, I sent fruit a message. Honestly. I don't care if he replies or not, actually. Crazy, huh?  I guess I kinda just lost my crush for him. We rarely talk and every time we get together, it fails. So, I'm kind of done with all of that. If he responds, great. If not, oh well. His loss, right?
My Dad is right. Guys should be the ones chasing me. Not me chasing them. So, from now on, I am not going to go after any guys. They're going to have to come after me. I mean it.

So. Now. About these hoops...

I guess, the first would be my online guy friends. There's two. And I dated one for about a year or so. It was for a long time. The longest relationship I've had. It ended because I had gotten in trouble with my parents and they kept me from getting on. So, I had to break up with him. I had, and still have, strong feelings for him. We've remained good friends... But lately... I'm not sure. We've gotten closer and it's almost like we are together again. It's weird.
The other guy I've known for a couple years, now. About three, possibly. Not as long as the first... Anyway. We are very close and I help him with his problems and all of that jazz, but lately, I feel as if we're drifting apart. Which, we kind of are in a way. It's hard to explain.

Another hoop is King! Oh. my. God. I seriously do not know what to say about what I have just read and reread! It's shocking. (And I'm pretty sure he's going to read this sooner or later, but I don't really care. I have to write this down)
So. What happened was... I was checking my email after days of not checking it and wala, there are two emails from King. Sent on the same day, minutes apart. We haven't talked for a while and I figured it was just because he got grounded or something. So, I wasn't really that worried. But I was happy to see the emails. So, I read them... And one says that he missed me. Okay. Now. I kind hate to say this, but the first thought that came into my head at seeing that was "he must've sent that to the wrong person. that, or his sister had gotten into his email and sent it". Yes, horrible, I know, but how could I actually believe that he really meant that? It sounded so unlike him. Or at least, unlike the guy that I know him to be. I could not believe he actually said that. So, I replied "really?". The other email was just saying he was sorry we hadn't talked in a while and that he had a lot on his mind. You know. The usual.
So, I just checked my email a little while ago and bam! Replies to my replies! I swear, I smiled and my heart sped up a little. Insane, huh?
So, anyways. He replied yes to the whole missing me thing... And then the other email. My god! I still can't figure out how I feel about it... It seems him and his girlfriend are having some issues. (then again, who doesn't?) And he's saying that he wants to get to know me better... This coming from the guy that claimed to be in love with one of my friends at camp? Seriously!? He confuses the shiznit out of me! He really does.
But yeah. He claims he wants to get to know me better and that if anything does happen between him and his girl, I shouldn't get my hopes up too much because he doesn't think I could "displace" his feelings for his girl... Seriously? He actually thought that I was capable of displacing his feelings? Wtf? No one can displace feelings! When you love someone, you love them. There's no going back. You never stop loving them... Just, the love might get smaller and smaller, but it will always be there. No matter what. That's just how it goes.

So... Yeah. I have no idea how I feel at the moment... I don't want him and his girl to be having issues. I hope they can work it out. I wish them the best of luck.
But if they can't and King, for some impossible reason, gets to know me better and all of that... I will find out how I feel IF that happens. (Not counting on it, though)

Yes. I'm trying this new thing where I just go with whatever life wants to throw at me. I'm just gunna try to go with the flow. It'll be easier, right? I hope so...

7/28/10

No Subject

I've been pretty damn good these past few days, actually. Surprising, huh? I know. I am, too. It's only because I received a message from Fruit a few days again. I was really shocked, actually. Usually, I have to send him a message or text, but he sent me one. For the first time. I was really happy to know that he hasn't forgotten about me. He asked if we could get together, soon. It seems that he's straightened everything out and wants to see me. I was so excited when he said this. But I tried to play cool by replying that it would be fun and which days my Mom has off. I checked my messages and Fruit said that Saturday would work for him... Unfortunately. my Mom informed me that I can not make any plans until after the Lady Gaga concert on August 21st. I am really bummed, now. After everything was going so perfectly. My Dad took the last of his Bar Exam tests today. My Mom and I spent the past two days together, having a fun time. I got some awesome new things with my gift cards. It was going so wonderfully and now, I can't see my crush for a month! I don't even get to talk to him that much because I don't have my phone, anymore. Sad thing is, I should of known that something was bound to mess up. Usually when things are going great, something happens. It never fails. But of course, I was stupid to believe that for once, things might actually turn out okay for once and nothing was going to mess them up...

7/21/10

Another Short Post

So... I was just randomly thinking...

Do you ever just feel so lost that you wish someone would save you?

Don't you ever want to be found when you feel so lost in the world?

When you feel so alone, do you imagine someone coming to be your Knight In Shining Armor?

I do.

Then, again, I'm pretty sure that a lot of people do that. Everyone wants someone to come to their rescue. Everyone wants someone to save them. Everyone just wants someone to be there with them.

Just like the song

Gotta Be Somebody by Nickelback


Okay. I'm starting to sound obsessed, agian.

Oh well. It happens and it comes up.

7/19/10

Paranoid???

For a long time, now, mostly since I started staying with my grandmother after she moved here, I started to get a weird feeling that someone was watching me while I slept. It was crazy. I've never had that feeling before. And I started to get it when my grandmother put an extra bed in her room for me.
I started to sleep in there and I got that feeling.

I would lay in bed with my eyes closed and my mp3 earphones on. I would get a feeling that someone was in the room and I'd open my eyes to look around the uber dark room. Nothing would be there! Then, I'd relax a little until I get the feeling that the girl from the Ring would climb up the foot of my bed to get me. Wtf is up with that?!! I've only seen parts of that movie, but it feels like that creepy chick is going to attack me or something. It's insane.

I don't know what to think anymore. I feel like this presence or whatever I feel is going to scare the shiz out of me or something.

It creeps me out... And now, when I go home and am in my own bed. It's the same thing! I hate this feeling. It's not fun.

I even have to look behind the shower curtain before taking a shower. I have to check out the bathroom to make sure no one is in there or something. And I have to have my bathroom door closed at all times. And when I wash my hands, I have to stare into the mirror to make sure that nothing will appear behind me like in those stupid movies.

I wonder if I am paranoid? Or it's something different?

Maybe I should stop believing in ghosts and the paranormal?
But I can't. I love the ghost shows! Like Ghost Adventures and Ghost Hunters.

Short Post

My new favorite band is Boyce Avenue. I was listening to one of their songs. The song is On My Way. It was written by the lead singer for a girl. A girl that he has not met yet. The girl that is "the one". :3

Wonderful isn't it? It's sweet. A beautiful song.
And I can't help but think how true it is. It applies to the guy of my dreams.
And damn. I'm obsessed with this guy, aren't I? Of course I am. How could I not be? Heh. ^_^"
Oh well. At least, I'm not AS obsessed as I used to be. That's good, right? I'm relaxing.
So... I've been talking to a friend for a couple hours, now. Though, it seems only like a minute. It's been a while since I've spoken to him. I admit, I did miss talking to him. My brain hasn't had such a good conversation for a while. I like that I usually have to think with him.

He talked about his girlfriend and I enjoyed reading what he wrote. He loves her, a lot. And I could not help but hope that I find someone to love me as much as he loves her. It's sweet.
He helped me, a little, in the department of finding a guy. He asked me a couple questions and I had to tell him that I'd work on it. For now, I'm just looking for experience in dating/relationships. Ya'know? I don't want to find the one, just yet. I'd rather find someones that make me feel special and that will be there for me when I need them or that will make me feel loved when I think the world has turned it's back on me. (Which, sadly, is most of the time) It wouldn't take much. Just a simple gesture. Like holding my hand, giving me a hug, kiss on the cheek, anything. It does not have to be a huge thing. Just simple. The simplest are the best, in my opinion.


I've thought about God a few times. I don't believe, anymore... Actually, I'm not even sure if I ever did believe. Has He ever given me a chance to believe that He is there? I feel so alone and I don't know why. I have friends and family, but I can't open up to them... God has not been in my life. He has caused me too much pain to be in my life. I thought He was supposed to help you and all of that. Well, where's my help? Where's God when I need him? He has not shown me any sign that he has been around. He's only taken people away from me and caused most to hurt me. How can I turn to Him with all that's happened? I can't believe in Him. I won't let myself. I feel that if I turn to Him, He will abandon me before he had a chance to help me. That He will turn His back on me because I turned my back on Him.
Is that bad? Should I give Him a try?
If I do, I can't give myself fully to Him. I don't know why. I just can't give all of myself to Him. I don't know how. I'm too scared of what might happen.

7/5/10

Dream

I had a dream last night. It was a dream about a guy... It had other people in it, but it was focused on me and the guy. I don't remember all of it, but I remember parts.
(One part) We had to make some pastries or something and write down the recipe. We did that. Then, some other people ate his or something and it upset him because they said his sucked... Then, he looked at me and was like "give me some confidence." He had to remake them and wanted them to taste better. I got up and kissed his cheek while giving him a hug. And he whispered "i love you" into my ear. I was shocked. I could not believe he had just said that to me... Next thing I know, I say it back and he walks away.
(Another part) He was at my non-existent house. I don't remember this part that well. But somewhere, I got to lean on him. And then each of us took a shower. Then, my Dad came and he was teasing us or something. Then,  I showed the guy my room. He liked it. THough, it was nothing like me.

And I can't remember all of it. I think we kissed, though, somewhere... I don't know. Maybe we didn't, but I think we did.

Shit. I thought I was over this guy. What the hell does this dream mean?! Someone tell me that I am over him, please. That this dream means nothing.
I do not want King, anymore!!!!
God. I'm so messed up.

Then again, I could be wrong. Maybe it wasn't King in the dream. Maybe it was someone else....... But it sounded like him and I just have this feeling that it was him.... *sighs* What is going on with me???

7/1/10

Happy Thoughts

I was/am just sitting here, trying to remember my past when I remembered something. Not everyone loved Miss Perfect more. No. There was actually three people that loved ME more than her. I was better than Her to them. Now that I think about it, they made all the difference in the world, but now they're all gone and I'm back to being a nothing. And she's back to being a Something.
Oh, I miss them so much. They were the best. They did a lot for me and I never got to tell them because I was far too young to even realize what was happening. Now, I'm older and I realize what they did for me. Why I loved to spend time with them so much. I wish I could remember more than what I do. I wish I could remember all the time I spent with them. How we used to go look at the wild horses. Or the times we just spent at home, together. Why can't I remember? I would really like to remember. Is there a reason? Did I block the memories because I couldn't take it? If that's the case, then what couldn't I take? If it's not, then why do I remember some things and not everything? Or others? Even the memories that I do have are fuzzy and I can barely make them out...
Maybe I'll remember someday... But for now, I'll just focus on how they loved me more than Her. How they treated me better. Of course, my teachers and friends that did not know Her loved me more because they DID NOT KNOW Her. That makes me feel better, a little.
But I don't care. I will always have them in my heart. I will always have their pictures, too.
I miss them, yes, but I am happy they are not in pain anymore.



Thank you.
I love you. 
I will see you, again.

*sighs*

Okay. So. I know that in that one post I said that I would not be looking for a guy and I would let my dream guy come to me. Well, I'm still sticking to that, but it does not mean that I can not feel a little down when I hear/see someone talking about their gf/bf. I mean, really? Who couldn't be upset when they see all these stupidly happy couples?! Ugh!
Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for them. I really am... I just can't help but wonder if I will ever get my chance at being a stupidly happy couple, ya'know?
Today. I read a song written by my friend for his girlfriend. And it was great! So amazing... I couldn't help but feel a stab of jealousy, of course. Mostly because I wonder if anyone will ever do that for me... Who knows. Maybe they will. Maybe they won't. Maybe my dream guy will show up tomorrow. Or maybe he won't show up for ten years and I'll be stuck with the stupid jerks or guys that confuse me.... Ahhh.. Lovely, isn't it? Of course it is.
Why am I so obsessed with this?! It annoys to shit out of me! =( I don't want to be obsessed. I just want to focus on my friends and what I DO have instead of what I don't.
Any suggestions?

6/30/10

Internet Quotes

I found some quotes on the internet that I had to put up because I like them or they can relate to how I feel.
Here are a few:

"I wish I could just believe in myself."

"I feel lost inside myself."

"I'm the kind of girl you can hear from miles away-the kind that if your sad its her job to make you happy... the kind of girl who keeps messing up & saying "oops sorry" I trip over everything. I'm such a cluttz & I get so mad at the simplest thing but I'm also the girl who holds everything back. If you ask me what's wrong I'll just lie & smile saying "oh nothing". The girl who's afraid of love, Because she already lost so much."

"I'm so lost... I'm barely here."

"Hug the hurt. Kiss the broken. Befriend the lost. Love the lonely."

"When a relationship dies, do we ever really give up the ghost or are we forever haunted by the spirits of relationships past."

"No matter how dark, there is light if you keep moving forward..."

"The way to love something is to realize it might be lost."

"Don't count what you lost, cherish what you have and plan what to gain cause the past never returns but the future may fulfill the loss."

"I'm lost. I've gone to look for myself. If I should return before I get back, please ask me to wait."

"It's sad when people you know become people you knew. When you can walk right past someone like they were never a big part of your life. How you used to be able to talk for hours and now you can barely look even at them..."

"Some people blame our generation, but have they ever stopped to think, who raised us??"

"Life is about trusting our feelings and taking chances, losing and finding happiness, appreciating the memories and learning from the past."

"I'm the one who has to die when it's time for me to die, so let me live my life, the way I want too."

"Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end."

"Be yourself because everybody else is taken."

"Not everything can be perfect. Not everyday can be a good day. Life gives us obstacles & you need to learn to get over them, some are bigger and some take more time to manage. But in the end, everything is going to be worth it..."

"When I think about everything wrong, I remember how amazing life truly is and the fact that I like being imperfect."



There will be more to come... =)

Realization

I was lying here on the couch, trying to fall asleep. My brain was running over the day's events and what He said and what I've said... And WAM! It hits me. He was right. I am such an idiot. I didn't see it before. Either that or I wanted to be blind to it.

He kept saying that he reminds me of someone and that's why I am falling for him. God. I feel so stupid. I should've thought about it more instead of going with the first answer that popped into my head... He remineds me of three people. The same three people that have hurt me, that were jerks to me. Of course I like him. He is like all three of them, just without the jerk part.

God. I don't know whether to curl up and cry or to be happy... Right now. I'm leaning more towards the crying part... Yes. I actually want to cry because of how stupid I am.

I'm falling for King because he reminds me of Buster, Rancher, and June.

He reminds me of Buster because he is easy to talk too and I know I can tell him anything. He is a great friend.

He reminds me of Rancher because he is really nice to me and it seems like he actually cares.

He reminds me of June because he is witty and a smartass.

When it first hit me, I thought it couldn't be true. But as I thought about it a little more, I was like "oh shit. what have I done?"

So. I was right. There is something wrong with me. And King saw it the very first day we met... Well, okay. It was probably the second or third day, but you get what I mean...

How could I be so stupid and so blind? There should have been warning bells going off inside my head. They should have been telling me to stay away from him... And you know what? They were, at first. They went off when I realized he could read me. When he started to tell me what I was feeling. But I didn't listen, did I? No. Of course not. I was ignorant.

With this new realization comes the hard part. I have to stop my feelings for him. Now. Not tomorrow, not next week. NOW. I need to tell myself that he is bad news and that he will hurt me, just like them. Which, ultimately, is true. He will hurt me... And he sorta already has. Without meaning too, of course...But still. I must convince myself like I did with Buster. I have to tell myself that he is just like them. If he has their niceness, then he also has their jerkiness. Sure. He is all nice and everything now, but what happens in the future? He may pull a Buster. Or possibly a Rancher. I can't have that... Oh god. What if he pulls a June? No. I can not take that. I forbid myself from liking him. I am NOT going to subject myself to those three again. No. Not going to happen. They were in my life once, they're not going to be in my life anymore. (Except Buster, he is my best friend afterall.)

It all makes sense now. Everything. It all fits together perfectly. I just can't get over how stupid I was/am. No wonder I pick the losers...


Now. To the guy of my dreams, I know that you are out there. I am going to believe in you, again. I have only one thing to say to you: "I'm ready when you're ready for me."
That is a quote from a really good song called Yours To Hold by Skillet.
From now on, I am not going to look for a guy and I really am going to be done with them... When the guy of my dreams shows up, it will be because HE found ME. Not the other way around.



I will be here.
Waiting.
(I just hope I am not left waiting for too long..)

6/29/10

.

So... I'm sitting here at my computer, eating some pudding, and not entirely sure how I feel. I talked to the guy that I like for a bit. He found my last post, of course. I figured he would. My fault for giving him the blog address a couple days ago... Now, I'm starting to rethink this whole thing. Maybe I should stop now before I get in over my head and something happens. I don't know what, but something could happen for the worst... So. I really have to ask myself. Do I want to risk losing a friend just to teach myself a lesson? A lesson that I do not even know what it is. No. I don't think I do. But if I try to stop these feelings and it doesn't work, then what? Either way. I'm going to get hurt... And for once. In a strangely horrible way, I'm looking forward to it. Sad, huh? What is happening to me? Should I be this messed up that I am looking forward to getting hurt for once? I mean, honestly, what IS wrong with me?
And as always. I don't have the answers. I don't think I ever will... Maybe I should talk to my Grandpa. He always makes me feel better even if I don't remember our conversations. I think I might give it a try. Seeing as nothing else works... And seeing as I am confused as hell by all of this.
What is going on with me? Am I truly falling for this guy or am I just trying to attach myself to him because I feel like he is the only person that actually understands me? Or that I FEEL that actually understands me, I should say.
I don't know... I just don't know, anymore.



I'm just lost.
I don't know how to get found.


I am truly a GirlWithoutAClueAnymore

Love

Does anyone ever wonder what it feels like to fall in love? I know I do... I think that it would be like how it's described in movies or books. That it is such a wonderful thing and so powerful. Though, lately, I do not know if I do believe in it anymore. Then again. I think deep down, there is a little piece of me that believes in love and knows that someday it will happen to me. Of course, right now, I do not believe that. I've given up on guys because I don't want to deal with jerks, anymore. Either jerks or the nice guys that have girlfriends. Either way. I fall for the wrong guys. I think it's hard for me to really like a guy, but somehow, a guy has wormed his way through the barrier. When I'm around him, he makes me blush for no reason and no one has ever done that. When I talk to him, I just feel... I don't know. I'm just in a really good mood. Even if we don't talk about anything much or about serious things. Overall. I'm just happy to talk to him. I've dreamt about him a couple times. I think about him and replay our conversations in my head, a lot. He's just different from the other guys that I've liked. I know it's not a good thing because of the situation, but I don't care. To sound corny, I must say: "The heart wants what the heart wants." And right now, I'm cursing him. I'm cursing myself. Someone warned me that I would start falling for him and I think I am... I just HOPE TO GOD that I am wrong and that I am getting my feelings confused like how King did with our friend. That could be it, right? I could be wrong about my feelings. I often am... Though, with this, I'm not telling myself that I like him. I'm not telling myself anything. I'm just letting myself fall deeper into this shit hole I've created for myself. Nice, isn't it? For once, I'm letting myself open up a bit to let my feelings continue to grow and it's for the wrong person... I know that I need to stop this or at least figure out what is truly going on, but I don't want too. I want to know where my feelings will lead me. Besides, I think this would be a good lesson to me. He does not want me, but I want him. I'm setting myself up for heartbreak. I know that I'm going to get hurt, but I don't care. I need this. I need this heartbreak and this hurt. I need to teach myself a lesson... And if this guy has somehow found this and is reading it, if he has figured out that I am talking about him, I don't care. He can read this all he wants and I won't care. Maybe he should read this and know what is going on. Maybe it would help him in rejecting me, in hurting me. Maybe if he read this, it would be good for us both. I'm not sure how, but you never know, right? Anything can happen... I look forward to talking to him, every day. I always look for him on IM or look for a text from him or something. And when he does, I smile and I feel better. Even if I was having a good day, he always makes it better. Just by talking to me. And I love that feeling. I don't want it to go away anytime soon. I want to keep it and memorize it. I want to store it in the deepest parts of my mind so that when I am so upset that I am in the darkness, I can call upon the feeling and let it consume me. To let it pull me back into the living world. Or plain make me feel better on a bad day. I just want to keep this feeling for as long as I can. And if this guy wants to confront me about it, then so be it! If he is uncomfortable with it, then I shall put up that barrier and won't let it fall again. If he does not want me to have these feelings because of this situation, then I will make them go away. I can do that, no matter what King says. I am able to stop my feelings even if he thinks I can't.

In case you are wondering, I am not saying that I am in love with a guy. I am merely saying that I might be falling for him... Maybe.


EDIT:
Okay... Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I don't want him to know or confront me. I don't know what I'd do. I don't want it to be weird between us or something. And I don't want him to be upset or something... He does love someone else.
Yes. I am the fool who is falling for the guy who is in love with a very lucky girl.
Wonderful, isn't it?
I am purposefully setting myself up for heartbreak... Ahhh. The joys of being me <3

6/28/10

Today (Again)

Yeah. I'm starting to think that I write on here far too much, but I can't help it. I need to write to get my thoughts out. Otherwise, I feel restricted or something. I don't know. I just need to write my thoughts to clear my head. Even if it's not exactly my 'thoughts', just writing about what I did during the day helps.

Anyways.

Today, I played my first ever softball game with my friend and the people from her church. It was great. I made it to first base and hit a couple balls. I'm proud of myself. I did pretty good for my first game!
After the game, my friend and her two friends and I went to DQ for a while. It was fun! They are HILARIOUS!! I just wish that I knew them a little better. I hate feeling so left out and stuff. It sucks =/ Though, I was laughing with them and everything. It was not so bad.

I'm currently IMing with King... He is asking questions that I have long since stopped asking myself.
Questions like: Who am I exactly? What is my purpose? What am I supposed to do?
I don't really ask myself these questions anymore because I can't find the answers. So. Now. I just live life and let it unfold... Granted. My love life is really not that good at the moment. Then again. I am 17 years old and I probably shouldn't have a "love life", but whatever. I have a "like life". Haha. Either way. It BITES big time! I don't care. I just want to live and let things fall out how they should/want. It's easier than killing myself over some questions that I probably won't have an answer for, ever. I highly doubt that anyone will truly know the answer to those questions. They may think they know the answer, but they could be wrong... Right?

Ahhhh... How I love the deep conversations between King and I. <3

Random Thoughts For Today

So... I was rereading some more of my older journal entries and came across something that got me to thinking, AGAIN...

Is something wrong with me or am I just a normal teenager? Do normal teenagers have these thoughts and doubts? Or is something wrong with me mentally?

This one entry is about a couple different things. Like sex and suicide.
I am going to openly admit that I have thought about suicide. I have even imagined myself doing it, but I have NOT attempted it. The only reason why I have thought about it was because it made me feel better. Odd, I'm sure, but true. I would think/imagine it when my parents got angry with me or I was just plain upset about something. There really is no reason for me to have thought about it. I mean, I have a good life. I have it better than some people.
Of course, I do not think about it, anymore. I sorta stopped those thoughts a while ago. I know that suicide is NEVER the answer. It's just an "easy solution". A way to run away from your problems, not face them. Problems should be faced head on... Ha. Who am I to talk? I usually hide from my problems or put up some sort of barrier to keep them away. I rarely face them head on. Maybe that's why I can talk. Because I know how it is to not face your problems and deal with them..?

Sex.
Oh boy. That's such a difficult subject.
I will, also, openly admit that I have thought about having sex. Even though I am far too young too. I was wonder what it would be like and such. Don't worry. As a 17-yr-old, I have no intentions of having sex until I am older or married. Whichever comes first.
I know the risks that comes with having sex and I've learned from my Mom's mistake. She had me when she was 17 or 18. She even said that it was too young to have a baby. Especially in her case. She had a lot of stuff happening in such a short time. She even went to the abortion clinic, but obviously didn't go through with that. Which I'm VERY greatful for!
I want to have sex when I KNOW for sure that I am ready and can handle the consquences that come with it. Just in case I get a STD or get pregnant or whatever else can happen.
I mean, these teenagers that are having sex now are STUPID. (No offense, just my opinion) They really are because they have no clue what they're getting theirselves into. Most of the girls get pregnant and have babies. They can't handle it! Having a baby is a HUGE responsibilty and no one seems to understand. (At least, the people my age don't)
In my opinion. Sex is overrated.
But I'm sure I'll change my mind when I'm older and have experience with that.


Now. I am curious about something.
See... I have never been in a relationship or even been on a date. So, I don't know anything about that stuff.
When dealing with a guy, I go to my friends who have experience with dating.
Usually, the advice is wrong because of the guys that I attract. (Jerk-offs, losers, douches, etc)
Anyways. I have asked a lot of people and have even looked it up on the internet.
WHAT IS FLIRTING?!
There are far too many definitions to flirting, I lose track! Besides. I never know when I am flirting with a guy or not and it annoys the CRAP outta me!
It even annoys me when I'm talking to King (which is usually late at night), he says that he hits on me and flirts with me. (Not on purpose, mind you! Since he has a girlfriend, it sorta just happens)
I NEVER know when he's hitting on me or not. I'm FREAKIN' CLUELESS.
So. I ask...
Can someone help me?
Please. I could use some real advice and help on this. I'm 'bout ready to lose my mind.

A few poems I've written

Beauty of Nature

The world today is magical
With scenes unseen
Majestic mountains uncared for
Magical miracles not witnessed

People will look,
But won’t see
The true beauty
Of our world

Raindrops are like tears
That the earth sheds
Because we don’t care
About it’s breathtaking splendors

People will look,
But won’t see
The true beauty
Of our world

A storm rages above the ocean
Waves crashing down on the shore
Mad that no one takes a moment
To realize it’s true meaning
Only thinking it’s a guaranteed death

People will look,
But won’t see
The true beauty
Of our world

The clouds roll over the sun
Trying to get us to look up
At their intricate designs
Of little puppies or fire breathing dragons
We think they’re silly little floating
Cotton balls that make storms

People will look,
But won’t see
The true beauty
Of our world

The stars twinkle at night
Hoping to get a compliment
On how shine just for us
Or how they light up the darkest
Of nights, even though they’re
Trillions of miles away

People will look,
But won’t see
The true beauty
Of our world

The animals scream at us
To stop with our greediness
And obsession with money
For just a moment
To look at the Earth’s magnificence
To give thanks to the heavens
For letting us live here in our gorgeous world

People will look,
But won’t see
The true beauty
Of our world

The wind roars at us to look
At the swaying plants
That nourishes us when we’re hungry,
Cure us when we’re sick,
Shade us on a hot day,
Protect us from prying eyes,
And ease our pain when it’s to much to bare

People will look,
But won’t see
The true beauty
Of our world

The world is full of
Enchanting scenes and fairy-tale pictures
Of what brings joy and happiness
That lights up our darkened hearts

People will look,
But won’t see
The true beauty
Of our world

The world is truly mind-blowing
When we take the time to look at it
Or when we are to busy with money
No matter what we are doing
Our world, our Earth, will always
Have those outstandingly beautiful
Scenes, where the sun shines on a
Snow capped mountain, just right,
Illuminating the iridescent color
Of the pearl white snow atop a purple mountain

People will look,
But won’t see
The true beauty
Of our world

We may not always witness
These truly astounding scenes
Of a setting sun descending beneath
The ocean as clear blue waves crash
Down on the smooth beach, singing
A sweet lullaby for the sleeping world
Or a sunrise, slowing ascending above
A forest of lush green trees
Swaying softly in the morning breeze,
Singing to the awakening world

People will look,
But won’t see
The true beauty
Of our world

There are a select few
That are truly the lucky ones
Which get to behold a spectacular scene
Of our breathtakingly beautiful world
In which we live, without knowing
How genuinely wonderful our world is

People will look,
But won’t see
The true beauty
Of our world

We need to keep the beauty
Make it last forever
So, take many pictures and treat
The world like it needs to be treated
Preserve the world of today for tomorrow

People will look,
But won’t see
The true beauty
Of our world




Forever and a Day

Forever
And a
Day

I’ll always be here
To help you through
The pain and happiness
Life dishes out

Forever
And a
Day

I’ll be by your side
Helping you fight
The endless fight
Between you and life

Forever
And a
Day

I’ll hold your hand
To guide you
Through the maze
Of your emotions

Forever
And a
Day

I’ll carry you
Through the rough patches
When you can no longer
Walk on your own

Forever
And a
Day

I’ll keep you warm
From the coldness
Of the world
Around us

Forever
And a
Day

I’ll be your light
When your world
Goes black
From things unseen

Forever
And a
Day

I’ll love you
No matter what
As a friend
And more

Forever
And a
Day




Are You

Are you some kind of wizard
Casting a spell on me to love you
Did you mean too

Are you some kind of potion master
Did you slip me a love potion
Do you want my love

Are you some kind of voodoo master
Do you have a doll of me on your shelf
Did you plan this

Are you some kind of instrumentalist
Playing with the strings of my heart
Do you know what you’ve been playing

Are you a love doctor
Cutting out my heart for keeps
Did you really want it

Are you something I’ve never heard of
Working your magic on my mind, soul, and heart
Do you understand what you’re doing to me

Are you innocent of all this
Not knowing what you’ve done
Did you know that I was falling for you

Are you just an innocent bystander
Watching, not knowing, that I’m falling deeper in love with you
Do you reject me and my feelings




Make Me Cry

I see you standing there
It’s like you actually care
I see the look on your face
It’s like you think you’re in place

Make me cry
You’ll wish to die
Make me laugh
You’ll wish to stay forever

I feel your arms around me
It’s like you want to be
I feel your breath on my ear
It’s like you want to be here

Make me cry
You’ll wish to die
Make me laugh
You’ll wish to stay forever

I look in your eyes
It’s like you have no lies
I look at your smile
It’s like you’re gunna stay for a while

Make me cry
You’ll wish to die
Make me laugh
You’ll wish to stay forever

I hear your heart beating in time with mine
It’s like you wanted to cross the line
I hear your sweet voice whispering comforting words
It’s like you’re making me fly like the birds

Make me cry
You’ll wish to die
Make me laugh
You’ll wish to stay forever

I feel your hand wiping my tears
It’s like you want to rid me of my fears
I feel your lips on my lips
It’s like you’re staying and not gunna give me the slip

Make me cry
You’ll wish to die
Make me laugh
You’ll wish to stay forever




Losing Someone Special

I know it’s hard to
Lose that special someone
I know you wish to
Cry and be sad

But they’re going where…
They’ll have fresher air
They’ll have green fields
They’ll have every flower imaginable
They’ll have everything they need
They’ll have their own loved ones
That they lost long ago
Most of all they’ll have no pain

Don’t forget to…
Remember the happy times you had together
Remember their smiling faces
Remember they helped you through
The rough and easy times
Remember they were there for you
Remember what you had with them
Instead of what you don’t have without them
Remember they love you
And always will
Remember where they are now
Remember who’s taking care of them now
Until you join them
Remember you’ll see them again
Remember it’s not good-bye, but
A see you later
Remember they would want
You to be happy not sad
Remember everything,
And forget nothing
Remember that they aren’t gone
They’re in your heart forever





Love and Pain

It sucks when you have to choose
Between love and pain
It’s a hard to make that choice

You want to be with your love
You don’t want the pain though
You can’t tell your happiness is better

You hesitate to feel pain
You hesitate to love
Sometimes you need to hurt to love

Without pain there is no love
Without love there is no pain
You can’t have one and not the other

You need to feel pain to know you’re alive
You need love to feel better when you’re down
You have love and pain will soon be there

To live free don’t be afraid of love and pain
You can’t truly live without them
Always take a chance with love and pain
Never give up on love or pain




Love Her

She’s slowly slipping away from you
So, reach out and wrap your arms around her
Pull her close, refuse to let her go
Tell her you need her by your side

You know if you let her slip away
You’ll never get her back again
She’ll be so far out of your reach
And you’ll regret letting her slip away

If you care for her at all
You won’t let her go
You’ll tell her how you feel
You’ll never regret telling her

You never tell her, you’ll never forgive yourself
You let her slip, you won’t be the one to catch her
You tell her, you’ll be happy you did

When she starts slipping again
Pull her close and whisper those words
Refuse to loosen your grip ever
Make sure she knows what she means to you




Untitled

When I have something to say
I think it’s not important enough
To share with anyone

When someone has something to say
I think it’s important enough
To share with everyone

I put myself down
Thinking I’m lower
Than everyone else

Everyone else is better than me
In everything and anything
They’re worthy of everything

I can’t be loved or liked
As more than a friend
Or play thing

Everyone can be loved
As more than a friend
Never a play thing

My opinions don’t matter
Nor do my feelings
Nothing of me matters

Everyone’s opinions matter
They’re feelings are worth knowing
Everything of them matters

I’m a nothing
A no one
Nothing worthy of anything

Everyone else is something
A someone A something very worthy of all





Untitled (This one I wrote for my best guy friend)

I haven’t known you long,
but I’ve known you long enough
to know when something’s wrong,
when you need someone to listen,
or when you’ve given up

I’ve been there for you
long enough to know
what to do or what to say
when to hush or when to talk
how to make you happy or how to make you upset

I’ve tried my hardest
to be the one
you know you can trust
with all you have

I try to
pick you up when you fall
keep you warm from the cold world
lend you a hand when needed
guide you when you’re lost
be there when you think no one is

If you walk away
I’ll be right behind you
If you turn away
I’ll be everywhere
If you leave
I’ll be wondering where you went
If you get lost
I’ll be right there with you

I’m here until the end (I’ll)
Fighting for you (Be)
Defending you (Your)
Protecting you (Shield)
Helping you (From)
Cheering for you (It)
Keeping you warm (All)
Loving you (Forever)



Perfect Boyfriend

How to describe such a perfect boyfriend?
He’s sweet, but not too sweet
He’s kind, but not that kind
He’s protective, but not overly protective
He’s cool, but not too cool

He’s there when you need him
He’s always watching out for you
He’ll help when he can
He’ll carry you when you can’t walk
He’ll stitch you up when you’re cut

When you need someone to talk to
He’ll be listening
When you’re lost and can’t find your way
He’ll guide you home
When you’re lonely and need company
He’ll sit with you

When you need comfort
He’ll hold you
When you think about killing yourself
He’ll talk you out of it
When your heart is broken
He’ll put the pieces back together

When you get attacked by someone
He’ll kick their a$$
When you need to be cheered up
He’ll make you laugh
When you feel like you’re falling
He’ll be there to catch you

When life gets harder
He’ll make it easier
When you need protection
He’ll be your shield
When you’re caught in the rain
He’ll be your umbrella

How to describe such a perfect boyfriend?
He’s a little bit of everything
He’s everything you need.






Falling

My wings shall disappear
When I shed this tear
I shall not stand tall
While I take this fall
My life is clearer
As my death comes nearer
No one can catch me
So, let me be
I shall die
That is no lie
So let me go peacefully
And we shall see
Each other again




Light

I feel like I’m falling
I’m leaving the light
I’ve got no one to be my hero
I’m falling so far
No one knows it
No one notices my pain
No one sees the silent tears
No one knows I shed them
I wish to die and leave it all behind
I’ve lost my way
I’ll never find it again
I’ve fallen so far I can’t be saved
My heart has lost it’s love for things
It’s become hollow and aches for affection
It can’t see the light, only darkness
It absorbs darkness everyday, never releasing it
No one cares enough to notice the light leaving
No one will worry if I disappear
No one will grieve if I leave this planet forever
No one will see the tears I shed





Tears

I’m so sad
I feel wetness on my cheeks
What is this wetness?
I’m so mad
I feel the wetness again
What is it?
I’m so broken
I feel it again
I wonder what it is
I’m slipping away
I don’t feel the familiar wetness
Where is it?
I’m a hollow nothing
Again the wetness is gone
Why isn’t it here?
I’m gone forever
I feel the wetness again
Why now?




Why Is It

Why is it
I love, but never loved back?
Why is it
I fall, but never caught?
Why is it
I’m lost, but never found?
Why is it
I give help, but never get help?
Why is it
I listen, but never listened to?
Why is it
I support, but never supported?
Why is it
I leave, but never missed?
Why is it
I look, but never looked at?
Why is it
I laugh, but never laughed with?
Why is it
I care, but never cared for?





Day by Day

Day by day
Life passes us by
We’re too caught up
In ourselves to have fun

Day by day
We take everything for granted
We never take time
To admire nature

Day by day
Out planet gets weaker
From our polluting businesses
And selfishness

Day by day
Our happiness flies out the window
From the greediness
That plagues our hearts

Day by day
Life passes us by
We’re too caught up
In ourselves to have fun




My Teenage Feelings

You love to tell me
How I feel
You say you know
What I’m going through
I’m not like you

Different time
Different feelings
Different people

I’m up
I’m down
I’m all around

I want to live
I want to die
I want to laugh
I want to cry
I want to be alone
I want company

Let me live
I want to be free
I want to run
I want to stay
I want to sleep
I want to play
I want to be me
I want normalcy

Give me space
Give me time
Stop telling me
How I feel

Let me be me
Let me decide
For myself

I’m a teenager
Let me be one!




Dark Silence

When I lay down at night
I silently cry myself to sleep
I feel so alone
I need to talk to someone,
But no one’s there to listen
I feel so small
In this huge world we call our own
I never let my tears fall
When anyone’s around

I know you’re right
When you say I can’t do nothing right
Or I can’t be trusted to do anything
But I still cry at night
Even when you want to turn back time
It’s all said and out there
Why don’t you just shout it out to the world
No matter what you say or do now
I’ll still cry myself to sleep
I’ll still need someone to talk too
And still no one will be there





Untitled

Don’t feel bad
Don’t feel pity
Try not to care
About me

Care about someone
Worth your feelings
I’m not, never was, worthy
Of anyone’s love

Don’t feel bad
Don’t feel pity
Try not to care
About me

I’ve been preparing for
This pain, since I fell
Don’t blame yourself
I knew it would happen

Don’t feel bad
Don’t feel pity
Try not to care
About me

I was right, too
I’m a nothing,
No one should love

Don’t feel bad
Don’t feel pity
Try not to care
About me

I don’t hate you
I hate me
I hate everything
About me

Don’t feel bad
Don’t feel pity
Try not to care
About me

Care about something
That actually matters
That’s actually worth it
That’s a something
Instead of a nothing
Like me

Don't feel bad
Don't feel pity
Try not to care
About me





Let me know what you think! And if I should add more poems or not. =) I would LOVE to get some feedback on my poetry.
I took out some of the poems because I was unhappy with them. They were not some of my best f=works =/