7/28/10
No Subject
I've been pretty damn good these past few days, actually. Surprising, huh? I know. I am, too. It's only because I received a message from Fruit a few days again. I was really shocked, actually. Usually, I have to send him a message or text, but he sent me one. For the first time. I was really happy to know that he hasn't forgotten about me. He asked if we could get together, soon. It seems that he's straightened everything out and wants to see me. I was so excited when he said this. But I tried to play cool by replying that it would be fun and which days my Mom has off. I checked my messages and Fruit said that Saturday would work for him... Unfortunately. my Mom informed me that I can not make any plans until after the Lady Gaga concert on August 21st. I am really bummed, now. After everything was going so perfectly. My Dad took the last of his Bar Exam tests today. My Mom and I spent the past two days together, having a fun time. I got some awesome new things with my gift cards. It was going so wonderfully and now, I can't see my crush for a month! I don't even get to talk to him that much because I don't have my phone, anymore. Sad thing is, I should of known that something was bound to mess up. Usually when things are going great, something happens. It never fails. But of course, I was stupid to believe that for once, things might actually turn out okay for once and nothing was going to mess them up...
7/21/10
Another Short Post
So... I was just randomly thinking...
Do you ever just feel so lost that you wish someone would save you?
Don't you ever want to be found when you feel so lost in the world?
When you feel so alone, do you imagine someone coming to be your Knight In Shining Armor?
I do.
Then, again, I'm pretty sure that a lot of people do that. Everyone wants someone to come to their rescue. Everyone wants someone to save them. Everyone just wants someone to be there with them.
Just like the song
Gotta Be Somebody by Nickelback
Okay. I'm starting to sound obsessed, agian.
Oh well. It happens and it comes up.
Do you ever just feel so lost that you wish someone would save you?
Don't you ever want to be found when you feel so lost in the world?
When you feel so alone, do you imagine someone coming to be your Knight In Shining Armor?
I do.
Then, again, I'm pretty sure that a lot of people do that. Everyone wants someone to come to their rescue. Everyone wants someone to save them. Everyone just wants someone to be there with them.
Just like the song
Gotta Be Somebody by Nickelback
Okay. I'm starting to sound obsessed, agian.
Oh well. It happens and it comes up.
7/19/10
Paranoid???
For a long time, now, mostly since I started staying with my grandmother after she moved here, I started to get a weird feeling that someone was watching me while I slept. It was crazy. I've never had that feeling before. And I started to get it when my grandmother put an extra bed in her room for me.
I started to sleep in there and I got that feeling.
I would lay in bed with my eyes closed and my mp3 earphones on. I would get a feeling that someone was in the room and I'd open my eyes to look around the uber dark room. Nothing would be there! Then, I'd relax a little until I get the feeling that the girl from the Ring would climb up the foot of my bed to get me. Wtf is up with that?!! I've only seen parts of that movie, but it feels like that creepy chick is going to attack me or something. It's insane.
I don't know what to think anymore. I feel like this presence or whatever I feel is going to scare the shiz out of me or something.
It creeps me out... And now, when I go home and am in my own bed. It's the same thing! I hate this feeling. It's not fun.
I even have to look behind the shower curtain before taking a shower. I have to check out the bathroom to make sure no one is in there or something. And I have to have my bathroom door closed at all times. And when I wash my hands, I have to stare into the mirror to make sure that nothing will appear behind me like in those stupid movies.
I wonder if I am paranoid? Or it's something different?
Maybe I should stop believing in ghosts and the paranormal?
But I can't. I love the ghost shows! Like Ghost Adventures and Ghost Hunters.
I started to sleep in there and I got that feeling.
I would lay in bed with my eyes closed and my mp3 earphones on. I would get a feeling that someone was in the room and I'd open my eyes to look around the uber dark room. Nothing would be there! Then, I'd relax a little until I get the feeling that the girl from the Ring would climb up the foot of my bed to get me. Wtf is up with that?!! I've only seen parts of that movie, but it feels like that creepy chick is going to attack me or something. It's insane.
I don't know what to think anymore. I feel like this presence or whatever I feel is going to scare the shiz out of me or something.
It creeps me out... And now, when I go home and am in my own bed. It's the same thing! I hate this feeling. It's not fun.
I even have to look behind the shower curtain before taking a shower. I have to check out the bathroom to make sure no one is in there or something. And I have to have my bathroom door closed at all times. And when I wash my hands, I have to stare into the mirror to make sure that nothing will appear behind me like in those stupid movies.
I wonder if I am paranoid? Or it's something different?
Maybe I should stop believing in ghosts and the paranormal?
But I can't. I love the ghost shows! Like Ghost Adventures and Ghost Hunters.
Short Post
My new favorite band is Boyce Avenue. I was listening to one of their songs. The song is On My Way. It was written by the lead singer for a girl. A girl that he has not met yet. The girl that is "the one". :3
Wonderful isn't it? It's sweet. A beautiful song.
And I can't help but think how true it is. It applies to the guy of my dreams.
And damn. I'm obsessed with this guy, aren't I? Of course I am. How could I not be? Heh. ^_^"
Oh well. At least, I'm not AS obsessed as I used to be. That's good, right? I'm relaxing.
Wonderful isn't it? It's sweet. A beautiful song.
And I can't help but think how true it is. It applies to the guy of my dreams.
And damn. I'm obsessed with this guy, aren't I? Of course I am. How could I not be? Heh. ^_^"
Oh well. At least, I'm not AS obsessed as I used to be. That's good, right? I'm relaxing.
So... I've been talking to a friend for a couple hours, now. Though, it seems only like a minute. It's been a while since I've spoken to him. I admit, I did miss talking to him. My brain hasn't had such a good conversation for a while. I like that I usually have to think with him.
He talked about his girlfriend and I enjoyed reading what he wrote. He loves her, a lot. And I could not help but hope that I find someone to love me as much as he loves her. It's sweet.
He helped me, a little, in the department of finding a guy. He asked me a couple questions and I had to tell him that I'd work on it. For now, I'm just looking for experience in dating/relationships. Ya'know? I don't want to find the one, just yet. I'd rather find someones that make me feel special and that will be there for me when I need them or that will make me feel loved when I think the world has turned it's back on me. (Which, sadly, is most of the time) It wouldn't take much. Just a simple gesture. Like holding my hand, giving me a hug, kiss on the cheek, anything. It does not have to be a huge thing. Just simple. The simplest are the best, in my opinion.
I've thought about God a few times. I don't believe, anymore... Actually, I'm not even sure if I ever did believe. Has He ever given me a chance to believe that He is there? I feel so alone and I don't know why. I have friends and family, but I can't open up to them... God has not been in my life. He has caused me too much pain to be in my life. I thought He was supposed to help you and all of that. Well, where's my help? Where's God when I need him? He has not shown me any sign that he has been around. He's only taken people away from me and caused most to hurt me. How can I turn to Him with all that's happened? I can't believe in Him. I won't let myself. I feel that if I turn to Him, He will abandon me before he had a chance to help me. That He will turn His back on me because I turned my back on Him.
Is that bad? Should I give Him a try?
If I do, I can't give myself fully to Him. I don't know why. I just can't give all of myself to Him. I don't know how. I'm too scared of what might happen.
He talked about his girlfriend and I enjoyed reading what he wrote. He loves her, a lot. And I could not help but hope that I find someone to love me as much as he loves her. It's sweet.
He helped me, a little, in the department of finding a guy. He asked me a couple questions and I had to tell him that I'd work on it. For now, I'm just looking for experience in dating/relationships. Ya'know? I don't want to find the one, just yet. I'd rather find someones that make me feel special and that will be there for me when I need them or that will make me feel loved when I think the world has turned it's back on me. (Which, sadly, is most of the time) It wouldn't take much. Just a simple gesture. Like holding my hand, giving me a hug, kiss on the cheek, anything. It does not have to be a huge thing. Just simple. The simplest are the best, in my opinion.
I've thought about God a few times. I don't believe, anymore... Actually, I'm not even sure if I ever did believe. Has He ever given me a chance to believe that He is there? I feel so alone and I don't know why. I have friends and family, but I can't open up to them... God has not been in my life. He has caused me too much pain to be in my life. I thought He was supposed to help you and all of that. Well, where's my help? Where's God when I need him? He has not shown me any sign that he has been around. He's only taken people away from me and caused most to hurt me. How can I turn to Him with all that's happened? I can't believe in Him. I won't let myself. I feel that if I turn to Him, He will abandon me before he had a chance to help me. That He will turn His back on me because I turned my back on Him.
Is that bad? Should I give Him a try?
If I do, I can't give myself fully to Him. I don't know why. I just can't give all of myself to Him. I don't know how. I'm too scared of what might happen.
7/5/10
Dream
I had a dream last night. It was a dream about a guy... It had other people in it, but it was focused on me and the guy. I don't remember all of it, but I remember parts.
(One part) We had to make some pastries or something and write down the recipe. We did that. Then, some other people ate his or something and it upset him because they said his sucked... Then, he looked at me and was like "give me some confidence." He had to remake them and wanted them to taste better. I got up and kissed his cheek while giving him a hug. And he whispered "i love you" into my ear. I was shocked. I could not believe he had just said that to me... Next thing I know, I say it back and he walks away.
(Another part) He was at my non-existent house. I don't remember this part that well. But somewhere, I got to lean on him. And then each of us took a shower. Then, my Dad came and he was teasing us or something. Then, I showed the guy my room. He liked it. THough, it was nothing like me.
And I can't remember all of it. I think we kissed, though, somewhere... I don't know. Maybe we didn't, but I think we did.
Shit. I thought I was over this guy. What the hell does this dream mean?! Someone tell me that I am over him, please. That this dream means nothing.
I do not want King, anymore!!!!
God. I'm so messed up.
Then again, I could be wrong. Maybe it wasn't King in the dream. Maybe it was someone else....... But it sounded like him and I just have this feeling that it was him.... *sighs* What is going on with me???
(One part) We had to make some pastries or something and write down the recipe. We did that. Then, some other people ate his or something and it upset him because they said his sucked... Then, he looked at me and was like "give me some confidence." He had to remake them and wanted them to taste better. I got up and kissed his cheek while giving him a hug. And he whispered "i love you" into my ear. I was shocked. I could not believe he had just said that to me... Next thing I know, I say it back and he walks away.
(Another part) He was at my non-existent house. I don't remember this part that well. But somewhere, I got to lean on him. And then each of us took a shower. Then, my Dad came and he was teasing us or something. Then, I showed the guy my room. He liked it. THough, it was nothing like me.
And I can't remember all of it. I think we kissed, though, somewhere... I don't know. Maybe we didn't, but I think we did.
Shit. I thought I was over this guy. What the hell does this dream mean?! Someone tell me that I am over him, please. That this dream means nothing.
I do not want King, anymore!!!!
God. I'm so messed up.
Then again, I could be wrong. Maybe it wasn't King in the dream. Maybe it was someone else....... But it sounded like him and I just have this feeling that it was him.... *sighs* What is going on with me???
7/1/10
Happy Thoughts
I was/am just sitting here, trying to remember my past when I remembered something. Not everyone loved Miss Perfect more. No. There was actually three people that loved ME more than her. I was better than Her to them. Now that I think about it, they made all the difference in the world, but now they're all gone and I'm back to being a nothing. And she's back to being a Something.
Oh, I miss them so much. They were the best. They did a lot for me and I never got to tell them because I was far too young to even realize what was happening. Now, I'm older and I realize what they did for me. Why I loved to spend time with them so much. I wish I could remember more than what I do. I wish I could remember all the time I spent with them. How we used to go look at the wild horses. Or the times we just spent at home, together. Why can't I remember? I would really like to remember. Is there a reason? Did I block the memories because I couldn't take it? If that's the case, then what couldn't I take? If it's not, then why do I remember some things and not everything? Or others? Even the memories that I do have are fuzzy and I can barely make them out...
Maybe I'll remember someday... But for now, I'll just focus on how they loved me more than Her. How they treated me better. Of course, my teachers and friends that did not know Her loved me more because they DID NOT KNOW Her. That makes me feel better, a little.
But I don't care. I will always have them in my heart. I will always have their pictures, too.
I miss them, yes, but I am happy they are not in pain anymore.
Oh, I miss them so much. They were the best. They did a lot for me and I never got to tell them because I was far too young to even realize what was happening. Now, I'm older and I realize what they did for me. Why I loved to spend time with them so much. I wish I could remember more than what I do. I wish I could remember all the time I spent with them. How we used to go look at the wild horses. Or the times we just spent at home, together. Why can't I remember? I would really like to remember. Is there a reason? Did I block the memories because I couldn't take it? If that's the case, then what couldn't I take? If it's not, then why do I remember some things and not everything? Or others? Even the memories that I do have are fuzzy and I can barely make them out...
Maybe I'll remember someday... But for now, I'll just focus on how they loved me more than Her. How they treated me better. Of course, my teachers and friends that did not know Her loved me more because they DID NOT KNOW Her. That makes me feel better, a little.
But I don't care. I will always have them in my heart. I will always have their pictures, too.
I miss them, yes, but I am happy they are not in pain anymore.
Thank you.
I love you.
I will see you, again.
*sighs*
Okay. So. I know that in that one post I said that I would not be looking for a guy and I would let my dream guy come to me. Well, I'm still sticking to that, but it does not mean that I can not feel a little down when I hear/see someone talking about their gf/bf. I mean, really? Who couldn't be upset when they see all these stupidly happy couples?! Ugh!
Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for them. I really am... I just can't help but wonder if I will ever get my chance at being a stupidly happy couple, ya'know?
Today. I read a song written by my friend for his girlfriend. And it was great! So amazing... I couldn't help but feel a stab of jealousy, of course. Mostly because I wonder if anyone will ever do that for me... Who knows. Maybe they will. Maybe they won't. Maybe my dream guy will show up tomorrow. Or maybe he won't show up for ten years and I'll be stuck with the stupid jerks or guys that confuse me.... Ahhh.. Lovely, isn't it? Of course it is.
Why am I so obsessed with this?! It annoys to shit out of me! =( I don't want to be obsessed. I just want to focus on my friends and what I DO have instead of what I don't.
Any suggestions?
Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for them. I really am... I just can't help but wonder if I will ever get my chance at being a stupidly happy couple, ya'know?
Today. I read a song written by my friend for his girlfriend. And it was great! So amazing... I couldn't help but feel a stab of jealousy, of course. Mostly because I wonder if anyone will ever do that for me... Who knows. Maybe they will. Maybe they won't. Maybe my dream guy will show up tomorrow. Or maybe he won't show up for ten years and I'll be stuck with the stupid jerks or guys that confuse me.... Ahhh.. Lovely, isn't it? Of course it is.
Why am I so obsessed with this?! It annoys to shit out of me! =( I don't want to be obsessed. I just want to focus on my friends and what I DO have instead of what I don't.
Any suggestions?
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