Stupid, Stupid

Why do I push the world away, but embrace a fake world? Why do I prefer my fantasies to the real world? I have amazing friends who need me, but I distance myself from them all. Every last one of them... Even him. 

I haven't talked to him in (possibly) a week, but I talked to him tonight. I felt weird. Like it was not the same... Even when he said that he missed me, I was a little happy, but I felt bad. I FEEL bad. He is the last person I want to distance myself from, but look at what I'm doing. I purposely not talk to him... Especially when he needed me the most. I was not there. What kind of person am I? I mean, am I just too scared? 

Everyone says to follow your heart... But what are you supposed to do when your heart does not know what it wants? When it closes itself off from everyone? When it yearns for someone so bad, but won't let anyone get close enough to help with that yearning? 

I have no one to talk too... Sure, I'd want nothing more to talk to him, but I can't. He has enough problems to deal with. I can't add my own to his plate. It's not fair. It's especially not fair when most of my problems revolve around him. 

God! I want him to love me so bad, but then I don't. He won't ever love me. I know that, but I still want it... Is it really him that I want to love me, though? Or am I looking for someone else? 

The other night I went to my Mom's friend's church to hear someone speak. They were telling us to let God in, but I rebelled so much. I refused. I fought against everything she was saying. (Of course, not physically. Mentally) I just can not turn myself over to "God" or "Jesus" fully. I can't do it. I refuse... If anyone tried, I would fight. I would fight so damn hard! It's just not possible for me to fully open myself up to someone or something. 

I remember this one time I was talking to him. He was talking about the girl that he likes and suddenly, I just could not take it. Which was odd. I usually don't mind when he talks about her. Or any other girl. But that one time. I don't know. I just could not take it. I had to take a moment to calm myself. I could not figure out what that was about, either. It was strange and I hated it! I don't want that to happen again. 

I just wish that I did not have so many confusing emotions and feelings running through me. I don't know which way to go or what to follow. Everything is confused and it's shutting down. I don't have many emotions, now. Sometimes, I laugh so hard that I want to cry. Not laughing until tears. No. Literally cry like when I'm sad. what is going on with me? I feel so utterly lost and completely alone... 

Why do I torture myself so?  

When will my books/stories not be enough, anymore?

 

I've stopped searching for a guy a while ago, but it still comes up. I can't help it. 

I've been waiting for a long time for a guy to walk into my life, and plenty have but not the ones I nee. Sure, I have plenty of guy friends, but it's not enough. I want a guy. I want a good guy. I'm starting to think that I'm cursed. All the guys that I've liked have just used me in some way and disappeared from my life. Except two of them. They're both in my life, but not as frequent as they used to be. 

Why can't I find a good guy? One that actually cares about me? Why must all of them play games? Am I that stupid or worthless or gullible? Am I that easy to fool? Have I done something in a past life? Is this payback? Am I just one of those girls that is going to get screwed her whole life? 

I'm so tired of playing games! I can't take much more. Please, stop. IT's torture to me. I don't want to do this anymore. I'm tired of the games. I don't want to play anymore. 

I'm starting to think that I will never find a good guy. I'm drawn to the jerks that play games. I'm starting to think that I'm going to be a pawn all my life. I'll never be happy. I'm drawn to guys that are unreachable to me. 

What's wrong with me? Will I ever feel truly happy? Have I ever felt truly happy? 

I can't remember ever being truly happy. I don't even think that I feel like I belong. I don't believe that I've ever felt like I've belonged. I feel like an ousider to almost everyone. 

God, I feel so lost. So lonely... 

Will I ever be found? 

will I ever fill this hole within myself? 

Will I ever feel like I belong? Like I can do something right? 

Am I ever going to be happy? 

 

DAMN YOU!

First off. This pic ^ is not completely accurate. Just sort of. The best thing I could find. So, just deal with it, kay? 

Now... On to wtf I'm upset about... 

I was talking to someone earlier. A guy that I consider my best friend... I think... Mm... I think it's possible that I might be in love with him, but I'm not sure! Idk what love feels like or anything. I just know that this guy makes me angry at him, but it doesn't last long. He makes my heart flutter with the simpliest things. I'm always jealous of girls that he talks about, but I just want him to be happy. Even though I desperately want him to notice me. I feel horrible when he's upset with me and I worry that I've ruined our friendship. I can't let him go. 
I don't want to tell him this because I want to be sure about my feelings when/if I tell him. Of course, he gets upset when I don't tell him... Well. Now I just did. You know who you are.