Why do I push the world away, but embrace a fake world? Why do I prefer my fantasies to the real world? I have amazing friends who need me, but I distance myself from them all. Every last one of them... Even him.
I haven't talked to him in (possibly) a week, but I talked to him tonight. I felt weird. Like it was not the same... Even when he said that he missed me, I was a little happy, but I felt bad. I FEEL bad. He is the last person I want to distance myself from, but look at what I'm doing. I purposely not talk to him... Especially when he needed me the most. I was not there. What kind of person am I? I mean, am I just too scared?
Everyone says to follow your heart... But what are you supposed to do when your heart does not know what it wants? When it closes itself off from everyone? When it yearns for someone so bad, but won't let anyone get close enough to help with that yearning?
I have no one to talk too... Sure, I'd want nothing more to talk to him, but I can't. He has enough problems to deal with. I can't add my own to his plate. It's not fair. It's especially not fair when most of my problems revolve around him.
God! I want him to love me so bad, but then I don't. He won't ever love me. I know that, but I still want it... Is it really him that I want to love me, though? Or am I looking for someone else?
The other night I went to my Mom's friend's church to hear someone speak. They were telling us to let God in, but I rebelled so much. I refused. I fought against everything she was saying. (Of course, not physically. Mentally) I just can not turn myself over to "God" or "Jesus" fully. I can't do it. I refuse... If anyone tried, I would fight. I would fight so damn hard! It's just not possible for me to fully open myself up to someone or something.
I remember this one time I was talking to him. He was talking about the girl that he likes and suddenly, I just could not take it. Which was odd. I usually don't mind when he talks about her. Or any other girl. But that one time. I don't know. I just could not take it. I had to take a moment to calm myself. I could not figure out what that was about, either. It was strange and I hated it! I don't want that to happen again.
I just wish that I did not have so many confusing emotions and feelings running through me. I don't know which way to go or what to follow. Everything is confused and it's shutting down. I don't have many emotions, now. Sometimes, I laugh so hard that I want to cry. Not laughing until tears. No. Literally cry like when I'm sad. what is going on with me? I feel so utterly lost and completely alone...
Why do I torture myself so?
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