When will my books/stories not be enough, anymore?

 

I've stopped searching for a guy a while ago, but it still comes up. I can't help it. 

I've been waiting for a long time for a guy to walk into my life, and plenty have but not the ones I nee. Sure, I have plenty of guy friends, but it's not enough. I want a guy. I want a good guy. I'm starting to think that I'm cursed. All the guys that I've liked have just used me in some way and disappeared from my life. Except two of them. They're both in my life, but not as frequent as they used to be. 

Why can't I find a good guy? One that actually cares about me? Why must all of them play games? Am I that stupid or worthless or gullible? Am I that easy to fool? Have I done something in a past life? Is this payback? Am I just one of those girls that is going to get screwed her whole life? 

I'm so tired of playing games! I can't take much more. Please, stop. IT's torture to me. I don't want to do this anymore. I'm tired of the games. I don't want to play anymore. 

I'm starting to think that I will never find a good guy. I'm drawn to the jerks that play games. I'm starting to think that I'm going to be a pawn all my life. I'll never be happy. I'm drawn to guys that are unreachable to me. 

What's wrong with me? Will I ever feel truly happy? Have I ever felt truly happy? 

I can't remember ever being truly happy. I don't even think that I feel like I belong. I don't believe that I've ever felt like I've belonged. I feel like an ousider to almost everyone. 

God, I feel so lost. So lonely... 

Will I ever be found? 

will I ever fill this hole within myself? 

Will I ever feel like I belong? Like I can do something right? 

Am I ever going to be happy?