DAMN YOU!

First off. This pic ^ is not completely accurate. Just sort of. The best thing I could find. So, just deal with it, kay? 

Now... On to wtf I'm upset about... 

I was talking to someone earlier. A guy that I consider my best friend... I think... Mm... I think it's possible that I might be in love with him, but I'm not sure! Idk what love feels like or anything. I just know that this guy makes me angry at him, but it doesn't last long. He makes my heart flutter with the simpliest things. I'm always jealous of girls that he talks about, but I just want him to be happy. Even though I desperately want him to notice me. I feel horrible when he's upset with me and I worry that I've ruined our friendship. I can't let him go. 
I don't want to tell him this because I want to be sure about my feelings when/if I tell him. Of course, he gets upset when I don't tell him... Well. Now I just did. You know who you are.

What's the worst thing you can hear from someone? (Well, one of them at least)

"We need to talk." That's one of the many worst things you could hear from someone... And I got a message that said that. I was like "oh shit. what have i done? is he upset with me? wait, what did i do that could possibly upset him? i just know it's bad, but i just don't know what it is! gah! what the hell have i done, now?!" Yeah. That was yesterday, I believe. Been waiting for him to get on so that I can finally know what this is about. He said that we needed to talk, as friends. That can't be good, can it? I don't know what I've done that could upset him or anything... Did I say something that I had no idea would upset him? Or does he just want to straighten something out? If that's the case, what needs to be straightened out? Am I blowing this way out of proportion? Seriously. It's been eating at me ever since I saw the email... I'm sure he's busy or something, but still! Don't keep me waiting for too long, please. I can't take it! I may go insane or something.

(Yes, this is a short post. Sorry >_< ) 

The Rain In Spain Stays Mainly In The Plane

Life is not exactly good, but it's not exactly bad. Yesterday was rather bad. I was in a really bad mood. I was getting irritated by my mom for no reason and it sorta bugged me. She really was not doing anything to make me irritated. Just trying to help.
 
Now. Monday was not so bad. I had a softball game. Well, two. That was fun... 

I came to a decision. I will never get married. I do not want to get married. Marriage is definitely not for me. And I think that serious commitments are not for me, either. I can't do it. I can't see myself doing it. Not after all of this. I'd be too scared that the guy would be cheating on me or would leave me or things would become boring or something equally bad. I just can't do it. All I want is to have fun. That's all. I'm only looking for fun. And if anyone comes to me that is not looking for a non-serious thing, then I'm going to push them away. 
That's how I'm rewriting myself. I'm going to be open, but then closed at the same time. If that makes sense. It makes perfect sense to me. 

You And Me Could Write A Bad Romance

I had fun at my cousins' this weekend. It was great. The concert was AMAZING! I had so much fun. Lady Gaga is great. She's just awesome. Really. She is. I mean, wow! She's really great to her fans. She calls them her Little Monsters. I'm a Littler Monster, now. She's just that great... I have a shirt that my cousin bought me from the concert. It's so awesome!! 

When we were at the tables with the shirts and everything, people were pushing against each other. Everyone was pressed against each other. It was weird, but for once, I was not shy. I did not mind having people pressed against me. It was weird. I was just having such a great time. I was even moving and dancing and singing and everything during her performance. It was that into it... This rebuidling of my system is great. I was not shy or anything. 

At my cousins house, I was comfortable. Barely awkward, only because I had no idea what I was supposed to do. I did not even feel bad when my cousin bought me things and stuff. It did not bother me like it does when my parents buy my stuff or give me money. And I did not feel bad when my parents gave me money to take up there or buy me snacks for the train. I was happy. I was (slightly) carefree. 

I'm glad I'm starting to rebuild my system. I really need it. There's a lot that I have to work on and everything. 

My cousin is great. She's really awesome for a forty-year-old woman of two boys. She's easy to talk to and she gets things. You know? She really gets it. She understands. 

 But enough about that. I have to reveal some things that I learned on this trip. 


He asked me a question the other day and I could not answer it. He asked what my Principles were. I did not know how to answer for some reason. I could not think of them. 
Well. Now, I have an answer for him. 
Here're my principles: 
1. Everyone is equal and I am no better or worse than anyone
2.  Lying is wrong, but there are some cases where some small lies could be okay 
3. You have to respect your elders
4. Loyalty is important
5. Be nice to people even if they are not nice to you (but there are cases when you can't be nice)
6. Never cheat on someone
 7. Don't leave someone for someone else

There's more to come, but those are the only ones I can think of at the moment. 

...I came home to an email saying that He thinks it will not work between us. Something that I've been telling him from the beginning. He needs a break from dating (I said it first!!)... Honestly. I was happy he said that. I don't want a relationship right now. Mostly because I only have him as an option. what if I meet someone during school or next summer? What then? I can't break up with him because that is just wrong. You can NOT leave someone just to be with someone else. That is NOT how it works. You leave someone when you know that things are over between the two of you.
Besides. I don't want anything more than friednship from him. I don't want to lose him. What if something happens between us if we started dating? We might not want to talk to each other. I don't want that. I want him to stay in my life for as long as possible. I need him in my life. I do not care if we don't date. That's fine with me. I don't mind. He's a friend and that's how I want it to stay... I hope he understands. 
I have things that I need to work on before I can even start dating. I have to rework my system and get that straightened. I can't be in a relationship when I'm trying to do that. I won't fully be there. Just partly there. You know? 

Anyway... I did miss Him while I was gone. I missed talking to him and my other friends. I was looking forward to talking ot him when i came back. Hopefully, I can, sometimes soon. But if he's busy, then that's fne. I'll just chill and wait until he wants to talk. I'm patient. 

Second Best Never Wins

I've been thinking (no surprise) and I've decided something... I'm second best. I have always been second best and will always be second best. I mean, look at when I was younger. I was second best to Miss Perfect. Now, I'm second best to... Well. I'd rather not say because a certain someone might read this and then possibly either get upset or something and I don't want to deal with that because it's how I feel and I don't care if it's not true. It is TRUE! I am second best to Her. Everyone knows it. It's easy to see it... I mean. Seriously. He would rather be with Her, but if he can't then he'll come to me. How effed up is that? He don't care about me. He doesn't have feelings for me! He never will. That's what he said back at camp. Or am I remembering that wrong? I don't think that I am... So, yeah. I'm second best... Anyone know why? Because I'm stupid enough to do the things that the First Best people won't do... Like. Waiting for a GUY. An effing GUY! Girls should NOT wait on guys. Guys should be waiting on GIRLS! ....And yet. Here I am. waiting.. And it feels like a dagger through the heart because I know that I'm not going to win. I'm going to lose. Just like all the other times. I've lost before the race even started. Wonderful, isn't it? 

Here are some words to think about: 

I'm done chasing you all over
May as well be chasing after thunder

....

For a change now you can start chasing me

....

Don't you understand
Don't wanna be your backup plan
Now I won't be here to clean up when it hits the fan

....

It's time you started chasing me

I'm done acting like I won't be
Sitting here still wishing you wanted me
Don't say that I never told you
Take some advice from somebody who knows

This is another song by Skillet. It's called Should've When You Could've 

 I was just listening to it and it all hit me at once! It was like WAMBAMBOOM! 

It was interesting. Haha. But yeah. Think about these lyrics. 

I'm doing so much better at tearing down these shields. It's great. I'm actually doing things without being told and being a bit more open and honest and I feel good... I still ave a lot of work to do, though. 

My Mom took me to Wl-Mart a bit ago before she went to work. I got two new shirts, a pair of boots, earrings, bracelets, lip gloss, and eye shadow. All for the concert this weekend. I can't wait. I have to play around with the eye shadow, though. 

Yeah, I can be a girlie girl, sometimes... But I like wearing make-up and clothes that fit me. It's nice. I feel pretty. And I look so much better than without.