Love

Does anyone ever wonder what it feels like to fall in love? I know I do... I think that it would be like how it's described in movies or books. That it is such a wonderful thing and so powerful. Though, lately, I do not know if I do believe in it anymore. Then again. I think deep down, there is a little piece of me that believes in love and knows that someday it will happen to me. Of course, right now, I do not believe that. I've given up on guys because I don't want to deal with jerks, anymore. Either jerks or the nice guys that have girlfriends. Either way. I fall for the wrong guys. I think it's hard for me to really like a guy, but somehow, a guy has wormed his way through the barrier. When I'm around him, he makes me blush for no reason and no one has ever done that. When I talk to him, I just feel... I don't know. I'm just in a really good mood. Even if we don't talk about anything much or about serious things. Overall. I'm just happy to talk to him. I've dreamt about him a couple times. I think about him and replay our conversations in my head, a lot. He's just different from the other guys that I've liked. I know it's not a good thing because of the situation, but I don't care. To sound corny, I must say: "The heart wants what the heart wants." And right now, I'm cursing him. I'm cursing myself. Someone warned me that I would start falling for him and I think I am... I just HOPE TO GOD that I am wrong and that I am getting my feelings confused like how King did with our friend. That could be it, right? I could be wrong about my feelings. I often am... Though, with this, I'm not telling myself that I like him. I'm not telling myself anything. I'm just letting myself fall deeper into this shit hole I've created for myself. Nice, isn't it? For once, I'm letting myself open up a bit to let my feelings continue to grow and it's for the wrong person... I know that I need to stop this or at least figure out what is truly going on, but I don't want too. I want to know where my feelings will lead me. Besides, I think this would be a good lesson to me. He does not want me, but I want him. I'm setting myself up for heartbreak. I know that I'm going to get hurt, but I don't care. I need this. I need this heartbreak and this hurt. I need to teach myself a lesson... And if this guy has somehow found this and is reading it, if he has figured out that I am talking about him, I don't care. He can read this all he wants and I won't care. Maybe he should read this and know what is going on. Maybe it would help him in rejecting me, in hurting me. Maybe if he read this, it would be good for us both. I'm not sure how, but you never know, right? Anything can happen... I look forward to talking to him, every day. I always look for him on IM or look for a text from him or something. And when he does, I smile and I feel better. Even if I was having a good day, he always makes it better. Just by talking to me. And I love that feeling. I don't want it to go away anytime soon. I want to keep it and memorize it. I want to store it in the deepest parts of my mind so that when I am so upset that I am in the darkness, I can call upon the feeling and let it consume me. To let it pull me back into the living world. Or plain make me feel better on a bad day. I just want to keep this feeling for as long as I can. And if this guy wants to confront me about it, then so be it! If he is uncomfortable with it, then I shall put up that barrier and won't let it fall again. If he does not want me to have these feelings because of this situation, then I will make them go away. I can do that, no matter what King says. I am able to stop my feelings even if he thinks I can't.

In case you are wondering, I am not saying that I am in love with a guy. I am merely saying that I might be falling for him... Maybe.


EDIT:
Okay... Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I don't want him to know or confront me. I don't know what I'd do. I don't want it to be weird between us or something. And I don't want him to be upset or something... He does love someone else.
Yes. I am the fool who is falling for the guy who is in love with a very lucky girl.
Wonderful, isn't it?
I am purposefully setting myself up for heartbreak... Ahhh. The joys of being me <3