Realization

I was lying here on the couch, trying to fall asleep. My brain was running over the day's events and what He said and what I've said... And WAM! It hits me. He was right. I am such an idiot. I didn't see it before. Either that or I wanted to be blind to it.

He kept saying that he reminds me of someone and that's why I am falling for him. God. I feel so stupid. I should've thought about it more instead of going with the first answer that popped into my head... He remineds me of three people. The same three people that have hurt me, that were jerks to me. Of course I like him. He is like all three of them, just without the jerk part.

God. I don't know whether to curl up and cry or to be happy... Right now. I'm leaning more towards the crying part... Yes. I actually want to cry because of how stupid I am.

I'm falling for King because he reminds me of Buster, Rancher, and June.

He reminds me of Buster because he is easy to talk too and I know I can tell him anything. He is a great friend.

He reminds me of Rancher because he is really nice to me and it seems like he actually cares.

He reminds me of June because he is witty and a smartass.

When it first hit me, I thought it couldn't be true. But as I thought about it a little more, I was like "oh shit. what have I done?"

So. I was right. There is something wrong with me. And King saw it the very first day we met... Well, okay. It was probably the second or third day, but you get what I mean...

How could I be so stupid and so blind? There should have been warning bells going off inside my head. They should have been telling me to stay away from him... And you know what? They were, at first. They went off when I realized he could read me. When he started to tell me what I was feeling. But I didn't listen, did I? No. Of course not. I was ignorant.

With this new realization comes the hard part. I have to stop my feelings for him. Now. Not tomorrow, not next week. NOW. I need to tell myself that he is bad news and that he will hurt me, just like them. Which, ultimately, is true. He will hurt me... And he sorta already has. Without meaning too, of course...But still. I must convince myself like I did with Buster. I have to tell myself that he is just like them. If he has their niceness, then he also has their jerkiness. Sure. He is all nice and everything now, but what happens in the future? He may pull a Buster. Or possibly a Rancher. I can't have that... Oh god. What if he pulls a June? No. I can not take that. I forbid myself from liking him. I am NOT going to subject myself to those three again. No. Not going to happen. They were in my life once, they're not going to be in my life anymore. (Except Buster, he is my best friend afterall.)

It all makes sense now. Everything. It all fits together perfectly. I just can't get over how stupid I was/am. No wonder I pick the losers...


Now. To the guy of my dreams, I know that you are out there. I am going to believe in you, again. I have only one thing to say to you: "I'm ready when you're ready for me."
That is a quote from a really good song called Yours To Hold by Skillet.
From now on, I am not going to look for a guy and I really am going to be done with them... When the guy of my dreams shows up, it will be because HE found ME. Not the other way around.

I will be here.

Waiting.

(I just hope I am not left waiting for too long..)