Don't Say Goodbye 'Cause I Don't Want To Hear Those Words Tonight

If you don't know the band Skillet, then you wouldn't know where I had gotten the title for this post. It's from the song Say Goodbye by Skillet. I woke up with that song stuck in my head and I hadn't even listened to it for a very long time... I guess, it has something to do with what happened between me and Him. Or maybe it was just a fluke. who knows for sure, right?


I have figured out some things. It took the help of Him to realize them, though. Of course. He affects me far too much.

Here's what I wrote down while I was talking to Him. (Yes, it doesn't make much sense, but it does to me)

I don't want love. I'm afraid of it. I am deathly afraid of it. I always thought that love would be wonderful and magical. Those are just silly dreams. Dreams that are impossible. Make believe. 
I've been hurt so many times by love. Could be the love of family, friends, or a crush. Just any kind of love. Whoever it involved, I don't care. It's only caused me pain. Even with my parents. Everything is pain. Never once had love done something right for me. It's all be bad. Though, it has given me a few good things... But it's taken them away. 
I have abandonment issues. I have low self-esteem. Low confidence. Death wishes.
I have shields that keep me from remembering. Shields that keep me from feeling like part of a group. Shileds toat keep people at a distance. Shields that won't let me get too close. Shields that keep things hidden from everyone. Including myself. Shields that keep hope from reaching me. 
I just don't have shields to keep me from falling for a guy. Those. I need the most. 
I'm just basically one screwed up chick. I've lost the knowledge of who I am exactly. And I don't know how to find it again. It's hidden well. Very well. 
And honestly, I'm a little afraid of what would happen if I found it. I don't think I'm ready, either. 
He asked if I would be willing to wait for him. That there is a small hope for him to choose me. I kept telling him that I'm not going to wait. But that's a lie. There is a part of me that will be waiting for him. It's been waiting. I'm sure it will always wait until either he comes to me or until someone else takes his spot. Until then. It's just sitting here... Waiting... Waiting just for him.
Kinda sounds pathetic, but I don't care. 
It's a small part and I'm going to keep it small. I will not let it grow and possibly consume me. No. Never. It will always be small and it will only get smaller because I'm going to build walls all around it to keep it controlled. And then, I'm going to forget about it and move on. 

Right now. He is so much more to me than I realize. I don't want him to mean that much to me. I want to get over the feelings that make Him more than just a friend... I really need too, but I'm not entirely sure that I can. There's just something that keeps holding onto Him. Something that I've tried to get rid of, but it won't die. And it annoys the hell out of me!
Why can't I just let Him go? Is it because I think that He may be the one that can save me? is it because I think that He is my hero?
...I can't tell you. Mostly because I have no clue, myself. He's just Him and there's something about Him. I can't figure it out.
You wanna know the weird part? I don't think about him, but he's always on my mind. My heart doesn't skip a beat when I see that he is online, but I am excited to talk to him. No butterflies dance in my stomach, but I am suddenly in a really great mood and I become a little crazy-happy.
Does this mean something? Am I confusing my feelings and giving them the wrong labels? Or do I know my exact feelings and that's just how my natural reaction?
I, personally, think it's my natural reaction because I keep my emotions under a tight leash. They don't show, a lot. And if they did, it's a slight change. They're not that great, just rather small. Does this make sense? I can't seem to describe it even though it's all in my head. I know exactly what I'm talking about, but this is the best I can do to describe it.

I'm sure I'm missing a whole lot, but I just can't seem to get it out... I have a lot on my mind and yet, I don't. My mind is rather quiet, but I know that the thoughts a buzzing at the back of it. I'm thinking over what He said and what I've said.
I know that I should get over Him and I'm going to try, but I think it will be a while... And I can't be sure that I can or not. seeing as that small part of me is waiting.

There's this part of me, smaller than the waiting part, that is screaming out for him. That part has latched onto Him and will not let go. I've tried to keep it small, but it's trying so hard to grow. I'm not going to let it. I can't. He has his girl while I have my books and music.

That's fair... Isn't it?

Edit: Crap. I'm listening to another song by skillet called Yours To Hold. And I can feel it calling me... 

The lyrics that call to me the most are: 

I see you standing here
But you're so far away
Starving for your attention

....

Every single day
I find it hard to say
I could be yours alone
You will see someday
That all along the way
I was yours to hold
I was yours to hold

....

I'm stretching but you're just out of reach
You should know
I'm ready when you're ready for me
And I'm waiting for the right time
For the day I catch your eye
To let you know
That I'm yours to hold

Side note- The song is in order, but I left some of it out. Not all of it was relevant... 

And just because I feel the need, I'm gong to post the lyrics for Say Goodbye. 

Don't say goodbye
Cause I don't wanna hear those words tonight
Cause maybe it's not the end for you and I
And although we knew
This time would come for me and you
Don't say anything tonight
If you're gonna say goodbye

....

I wish we could be laughing
Instead I'm standing here asking
Do we have to end this now
Can we make it last somehow
We both know what we've gotta say, not today
Cause I don't wanna leave this way

[Bridge:]
And if it's over
It hurts but I'm giving you my word
I hope that you're always
Happy like we were
Happy like we were 

Yesterday we were laughing (if you're gonna say goodbye)
Today I'm left here asking (if you're gonna say goodbye)
And although we knew this time would come for me and you
Don't say anything tonight
If you're gonna say goodbye 

Another side note- This song may not make sense to anyone other than me. I hear and see a different meaning that relates to Him and I... It's hard to explain, but to me, I seems related.

Then again, I think differently than most people... And if someone is telling me something, but I don't understand exactly what they're saying because of how they're saying it, I twist it all around until it makes sense to me and I can usually get the same thing they're saying, but it might come out differently. 

And now, I love the song Will You Be There by Skillet.... I don't think it has any relation to my situation right now.